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A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went.
When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."
MORE JOKES
BACK TO THUMBOSAURUS
04-29-08 - FANCY

What do you call a mentally disabled person in a fancy suit?
Mr. President.



04-27-08 - CANNIBAL

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"



04-25-08 - CANNIBAL

Hey, did you hear about the cannibal who arrived late to the dinner party?
They gave him the cold shoulder!



04-23-08 - DOCTOR

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."



04-21-08 - MAMA

Yo mama's like a 7-11, open 24 hours a day on every street corner and for 99 cents you can get a slurpee.



04-19-08 - OLD MAN

An old man goes to see the doctor and gets some tests. When the results come in, the doctor calls the old man in and says, “You'd better sit down. It's pretty bad.”
The old man, naturally, gets all nervous and asks, “What is it, Doc? Don't hold back -- just give it to me straight.”
“Well,” says the doctor, “you have cancer and you have Alzheimers.”
The man replies, “Wow. Well, at least I don't have cancer.”



04-17-08 - MUFFS

What do you call a dog wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want, he cant hear you.



04-15-08 - MEN

Yo' mama so stupid, she thought fruit punch was a gay boxer!



04-13-08 - MEN

Why are men like laxatives?
Because they irritate the crap out of you!



04-11-08 - AARON

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.
''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?''



04-09-08 - SHOE FACTORY

Did you hear about the shoe factory that burnt down?
Two hundred soles were lost.



04-07-08 - CLINTON

What will history remember Bill Clinton as?
The President after Bush!



04-05-08 - YO MAMA

Yo mama so ugly, she makes onions cry.



04-03-08 - GOOD AND BAD NEWS

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Patient: Go with the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What!?! How about the bad news?
Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday.



04-01-08 - MAMA

Yo' mama so hairy, you almost died of rugburn when you were born!



03-27-08 - BLONDES

How many blondes does it take to milk a cow?
Five - one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.



03-25-08 - BLONDE

A blonde was headed to Detroit. She got on the plane and sat down in first class.
A few minutes later, a flight attendent came up to her and told her that her ticket was for coach and she had to move from the seat. She refused. The flight attendent was persistant, but the blonde replied, "No, I want to sit here, I've always wanted to see what it is like in first class."
The flight attendent was getting frustrated. Finally, after quite some time, she convinced her to move.
Another passenger who overheard the conversation asked the attendent, "How did you get her to move?"
The flight attendent replied, "I told her that first class doesn't stop in Detroit."



03-24-08 - NEED IT BAD

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly. I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry. I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so...
Do you have a piece of gum?



03-23-08 - SMoKING

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Use more lube.



03-22-08 - ONE ARMED BLONDE

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Sit a kitty beside her.



03-21-08 - EMBARRASS

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.



03-20-08 - TWO FLIES

There are two flies sitting on a pile of poo.
One fly passes gas.
The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do ya mind? I'm eating here!"



03-19-08 - CHICKEN

Why does a chicken lay eggs?
Because if she dropped them, they'd break



03-18-08 - DEFINATELY

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."



03-17-08 - LOAN

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:
"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"



03-16-08 - SO UGLY

You're so ugly, when yo mama dropped you off at school, she got a ticket for littering!



03-15-08 - AMERICAN TOURIST

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'
The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."
The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call them wieners."
Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ass?"



03-14-08 - SQUIRREL

Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach?
To keep his nuts warm!



03-13-08 - ITALIAN BOY

Why did the Italian boy want to grow a mustache?
So he could look like his mama.



03-12-08 - MARTHA

Why did Martha Stewart cross the road?
To avoid the throngs of unwashed working class trash shopping for her line of sweatshop manufactured luxury crap sold at local discount retail bacteria farms.



03-11-08 - LITTLE TOMMY

Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, "What's that Mommy?"
A little embarrassed, she tells him that is is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, "Where is your sponge mommy?"
Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says okay, and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge. "What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?"
"The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!"



03-10-08 - ANT

Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl?
A: He got pissed off.



03-09-08 - TWO ITALIANS

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''



03-08-08 - TRUCK DRIVER

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he sees a priest hitchhiking on the road. He stops to pick up the priest, but he has a few misgivings about giving him a ride; usually when the driver sees a redneck on the road, he hits them -- with a priest in the truck, he'd have to swerve. But the driver decides to pick up the priest.
A little while later, he comes across a redneck hitchhiking. He decides to just swerve and let this one live when, all of a sudden he hears a "BOOM!" The driver looks over at the priest, who says, "Don't worry -- I got him with the door."



03-07-08 - LAWYER RATES

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.
“Fifty dollars for three questions, ” replied the lawyer.
“Isn't that awfully steep?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”



03-06-08 - MICHAEL JACKSON

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalogue.



03-05-08 - THREE DOCTORS

Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, 'I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, 'I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'
Doctor Ahn says, 'I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.'



02-29-08 - BLOND

A blond decides to do something she’s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there’s nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says, “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static.”
The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, “Which title did you rent?” The blond replied, “It’s called ‘Head Cleaner.’”



02-28-08 - NEVER BEEN

What do you call a cave-dwelling virgin?
Never Bin Laidon



02-27-08 - MAMA

How are the New York Jets defense and yo mama alike?
You give them a quarter and they'll let you score!



02-26-08 - REDNECK

You might be a redneck if your jack-o lantern on your porch has more teeth than you do.



02-25-08 - HAM SANDWICH

A ham sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."



02-24-08 - ADAM AND EVE

Adam and Eve were standing opposite to each other when Adam got his first erection. The two watched, astonished, until Adam suddenly exclaimed, “Move aside -- I don't know how far its gonna go.”



02-23-08 - BLOND

A blond was driving along a country road, listening to the radio. The D.J. was telling blonde jokes one after the other, and she got extremly pissed off and turned of the radio.
She continued down the road, and in a field she saw another blond in a canoe trying to row across the field. She stopped and got out of the car, and yelled across to the other blond, "It's Blondes like you who make everyone think I'm stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and give you a piece of my mind!"



02-22-08 - 6 HOLES

Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?
A blonde tried to shoot herself!



02-21-08 - POST OFFICE

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."



02-20-08 - MAN

Man who lay woman on ground have piece on earth.



02-19-08 - APPLE AND WORM

What did the apple say to the worm?
You're boring me.



02-18-08 - TRAIN

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train.
The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."
The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."
Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...



02-17-08 - BUSH

President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home.
The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.
Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"
The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."



02-16-08 - CONDOMS

A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, "What do you do with all of those?"
The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them and now he shits in little plastic baggies!"



02-15-08 - ONE NIGHT

One night, three guys are at a bar talking and they all think their wives are cheating on them.
The first guy says he thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.
They all agree, and the second guy tells his story. He says he thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed.
They all agree, and then the third guy says, "That's nothing! My wife is the worst! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed. I can't believe she's screwing a horse."



02-14-08 - REDNECK

You might be a redneck if your daddy walked you to school and you are both in the same grade.



02-13-08 - IAN MCKEGNEY

This lady is on an airplane and is seated next to a man named Ian McKegney. About half an hour after they take off, Ian sneezed. He calmly opened his fly, took out his penis and wiped it with a handkerchief. The lady was shocked but a little too shy to say anything.
About 15 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and then once more opened his fly, grabbed his penis and wiped it off. The lady could not beleive it, and being to shy to mention it, she thought to herself, "If he does that again, I'm definitely going to mention it."
Well, guess what? About 10 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and proceeded as before. She turned to Ian and said, "That is disgusting! Must you do that in front of me?" Ian apologized and explained that it was a medical condition, "Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm," he explained.
"Really, what do you take for that?" she asked.
Ian replied, "Pepper."



02-12-08 - MOISTURE

What do you call the moisture between two people having sex in Alabama?
Relative humidity



02-11-08 - VEGETABLES

What's the difficult thing about eating vegetables?
Getting around the wheelchair.



02-10-08 - 6 INCHES

What's 6 inches long , 2 inches wide, and thrills women?
Money!



02-09-08 - NUTS

Q: What do you call nuts on a wall?
A: Wallnuts
Q: What do you call nuts on your chest?
A: Chest nuts
Q: What do you call nuts on your chin?
A: A penis in your mouth



02-08-08 - CITY OF WALMART

You know you're a redneck when the biggest city you've been to is Wal-Mart.



02-07-08 - NIGHTGOWN

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"



02-06-08 - BUSTED

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."
So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.
So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.
''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy.
''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.
''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''
''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''
''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.
''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''



02-05-08 - GEORGIE BOY

One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend recommended a kosher place nearby.
They arrived and Dubya's friend ordered them both the house specialty: matzo ball soup.
The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So he took a bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly liked it.
After Dubya was finished he said, "Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me, do you Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?"



02-04-08 - SILENT BLONDE

Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex?
Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.



02-03-08 - BLONDES

Why did God give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
So they don't crap on the street during parades!



02-02-08 - CLINTON

What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws interns!



01-31-08 - BLOWING BUBBLES

Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"
"I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles."
He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me quess — you were blowing bubbles too?"
"No, I'm Bubbles."



01-30-08 - TWO REDNECKS

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."
"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"
"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."
The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"



01-29-08 - REDNECK

You might be a redneck if you're considered an expert on worm beds!



01-28-08 - TALIBAN BINGO

How do you play Taliban Bingo?
B-52, F-15, B-1...



01-27-08 - BREAST STROKE

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are swimming breast stroke in a race. The blonde comes in last and says, I don't mean to be a a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their hands



01-26-08 - SIX HOURS TO LIVE

After a visit to the doctor, a man returns home and tells his wife he has approximately six hours left to live. Of course, they go straight to bed and have some amazing, athletic sex. Half an hour later, the man asks his wife if they can have sex again. They do, and it's even more vigourous and ferocious sex. An hour later, the man asks his wife for sex again, and they have a ball-busting, rib-breaking round of sex. An hour later, the man wants it again.
"No way," says the wife. "I have to get up in the morning. You don't."



01-25-08 - A DRUNK

A drunk guy is walking down the street.
He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over.
He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"



01-24-08 - TWO OLD LADIES

Two old ladies are at the movies.
"Psst," says one old lady. "I think the guy next to me is beating off."
"What makes you say that?"
"He's using my hand."



01-23-08 - REDNECK BOY

A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!"
Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table.
"There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."



01-22-08 - CHORES

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"
"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"
"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.
Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."
Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"



01-21-08 - GEORGIE BOY

Some say George W. Bush quit drinking because of this incident... Back in his party days, Dubya got behind the wheel after a few too many. He started the car and stepped on the gas. He was driving for a while, when suddenly a white ghost face appeared in the window. George saw it and began screaming.
He stepped on the gas harder, but the face floated right in the window. George floored it - the speedometer read 110mph but the face did not disappear. A white hands gestured for him to roll down the window. Not knowing what else to do, he rolled it down slowly.
The wrinkled old face smiled and said, "Do you want help getting out of the mud?"



01-20-08 - BLOND

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"
The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"



01-19-08 - BATHROOM

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."
"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"
"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."



01-18-08 - REDNECK

You might be redneck if your house has more miles on it than your car!



01-17-08 - SHAKING

An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking. "Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?" "Yes, ma'am." "And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes, ma'am." "And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes, ma'am." "How do you turn them off?"



01-16-08 - ELEPHANT

Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant?
A: Apologize and wipe it off.



01-15-08 - PROM

On the night of the prom, a boy's girlfriend is changing upstairs. The boyfriend is waiting in the living room with the girlfriend's granpa and her dog Rover. As the girlfriend is getting ready the boyfriend says to himself, ''Man I really gotta fart, I think I will let a little out.'' So he does and the granpa yells ''ROVER!'' The boy thinks to himself, ''All right, now he thinks it's the dog. I think I will let a little more out.'' So he does and the granpa yells again, ''ROVER!'' The boyfriend says to himself, ''All right, now he really thinks it's the dog. I think I will let the rest out.'' So he lets it rip and the granpa yells, ''Rover, get over here before that guy poops on you!''



01-14-08 - LITTLE OLD LADY

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. The farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts - although still silent - stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..."



01-13-08 - I SCREWED YOU MOM

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, ''I screwed your mom last night!'' Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.
Again, he hears, ''Your mom was good in bed last night!'' Again, he tries to ignore it.
The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, ''Dad, go home, you're drunk!''



01-12-08 - HOSTAGES

A blonde woman and a red-headed woman are taken hostage by terrorists. The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad. But first, the terrorists ask the red-headed woman if she has any last words. The red-head points and says, “Twister!” The terrorists ran in all different directions and the red-headed woman gets away. When they realize what has happened, the come back and to where the blonde woman is still standing, and they ask her if she has any last words. She points and says, “Fire!”



01-09-08 - CONDOMS

A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, "What do you do with all of those?"
The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them and now he shits in little plastic baggies!"



01-08-08 - OSAMA

How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex?
He marks the camels that kick.



01-07-08 - SICK PEVERT

This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows him an inkblot and asks him what it looks like.
"A naked woman." He shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question.
"A naked woman on a bed."
"You're a sick pervert!" the psychiatrist exclaims.
"I'm not the pervert. You keep showing me all these filthy pictures!"



01-06-08 - FLIES HAVE WINGS

Do you know why flies have wings?
So they can beat the hicks to the watermelon.



01-05-08 - WHAT IS?

What's 6 inches long , 2 inches wide, and thrills women?
Money!



01-04-08 - FOUR WORMS

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day:
First worm - dead
Second worm - dead.
Third worm - dead.
Fourth worm - alive.
Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!



01-03-08 - 1 1/2 POUNDS

How do you get 1 1/2 pounds of meat out of a fly?
You unzip it!



01-02-08 - FEMALE REINDEER

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
They go to town and blow a couple of bucks.



01-01-08 - TATTOO PARLOUR

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into the chair and tells the tattoo artist, "I want two tattoos, one on each of my inner thighs. I want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other."
The tattoo artist begins his work, but is a bit confused, so he says, "Lady, I'll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask, why would you want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other?"
"Well, if you really want to know," she firmly answers, "I'm sick and tired of my husband telling me that there's never anything to eat between the holidays."



12-31-07 - WHAT DO YOU GET?

What do you get when you mix cigarettes with hot water?
A soggy butt.



12-30-07 - WHAT'S WORSE?

What's worse than having termites in your piano?
Crabs on your organ.



12-29-07 - MAN WANTED

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her
3) would be good in bed.
Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"



12-28-07 - REDNECK

You might be a redneck if your wife yells, 'Come on, move this transmission so I can take a bath!'



12-27-07 - LAWYERS AND WHORES

How are lawyers like whores?
They both get paid to screw people.



12-26-07 - UGLY

Yo Mama is so ugly, she entered an ugly contest and the judges said, "Sorry no professonals."



12-25-07 - BLONDE

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno
. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"



12-24-07 - GEORGE DUBYA

Q: What did George W. Bush get on his S.A.T.'s?
A: Drool.



12-23-07 - 3 VAMPIRES

There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The third vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water."
The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of water?"
The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time."



12-22-07 - FAMOUS COFFEE

What's the most famous coffee in Afghanistan?
Osama bin Latte



12-21-07 - NURSE

What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?
The head Nurse!



12-20-07 - LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing. After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer. Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I have some beer too?"
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back.
"No"
"Well, than your not big enough"
Granpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again.
"No"
"Well, than your not big enough"
Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies. His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?"
Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"
Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough."
Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies"



12-19-07 - REDNECK

You might be a redneck if when you walk the dog you both use the same bush.



12-18-07 - HEAVEN

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, ''Welcome to heaven, my son.''
God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. ''I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease,'' the doctor replies. ''Welcome to heaven, my son,'' God says.
God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. ''Welcome to heaven, my son,'' says God, ''but you have to leave in two days.''



12-17-07 - VIAGRA

Did you hear that nursing homes are starting to give Viagra to the old men living there?
It's to keep them from rolling out of bed.



12-16-07 - CONFUCIOUS SAY

Confucious say: 'Baseball wrong, man with four balls cannot walk."



12-15-07 - BLONDE

What does a blonde say after having multiple orgasms?
Great work, team!



12-14-07 - LACERATION

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President. The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post turtle."



12-13-07 - MASTURBATING

One day a man walked in on his son masturbating. He said, "Now son, if you don't stop masterbuting, you'll go blind!" The son replies, "Hey dad! I'm over here!"



12-11-07 - MONICA

How did we know that Monica would testify?
Because she has a history of not being able to keep her mouth closed.



12-10-07 - PANTS

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife.
"See if they fit."
"They don't."
"Now you see who will wear the pants in this house." She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on.
"I can't get into these."
"And you won't, either, with that attitude."



12-09-07 - ROOMMATES

Two college roommates are about to go to bed. The guy in the top bunk has his girlfriend sleeping over and to try to keep quiet, they devise a code. His girlfrend will say tomato if she wants him to go slower and lettuce for him to go faster. As they begin to have sex, the girl starts to moan, "lettuce,lettuce, tomato, tomato!" The roommate on the bottom bunk wakes up the next morning and says, "Stop making sandwiches at night, you got mayonaise in my eye!"



12-08-07 - WHAT'S BLACK?

Q: What's black and sits on the roof?
A: A paraplegic after a house fire.



12-07-07 - TWO THINGS

What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?
Her feet!



12-06-07 - ANNA

A blonde named Anna had a near death experience. The other day she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head-first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.



12-05-07 - AUNT JEMIMA

How does Aunt Jemima turn on the Pilsbury Doughboy?
She squeezes his doughnuts!



12-04-07 - STOLEN CREDIT CARD

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.



12-03-07 - OUT-OF-TOWNER

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"



12-02-07 - STAGECOACH

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.
The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.
Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?"
He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."



12-01-07 - TWO NEWFIES

These two newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.
He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those nails are for the other side of the house!"



11-30-07 - PRIVATE

Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.
"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer.
"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."



11-29-07 - TWO HUNTERS

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"



11-28-07 - REDNECK

You know your a redneck if...
Flannel is your favorite color.



11-27-07 - REDNECK

You know your a redneck if...
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.



11-26-07 - ANGUS

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.
After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.
'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.'
'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.'
'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'



11-25-07 - REDNECK

You might be a redneck if...
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.



11-24-07 - TWO POLICE OFFICERS

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live. She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"



11-23-07 - CONSTRUCTION WORKER

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.
After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.
He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.
He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.
"You got a problem, buddy?"
"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."



11-22-07 - FARMER

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."



11-21-07 - YO MAMA

Yo mama so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.



11-19-07 - MINISTER

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."



11-18-07 - REDNECK

You might be a reneck if...
You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator.



11-17-07 - PATIENT DOCTOR

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Well... The bad news first...
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.



11-16-07 - EVIL ATHEIST

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."



11-15-07 - PRIVATE

Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.
"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer.
"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."



11-14-07 - REDNECK

You might be a redneck if..
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"



11-13-07 - MOMMY MOMMY

Mommy, Mommy! What's a werewolf?
Shut up and comb your face!



11-12-07 - SPEEDING

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"



11-11-07 - I LOVE LIVER AND CHEESE

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."



11-10-07 - BLIND MAN

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."



11-09-07 - RECOVERING ADDICTS

Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One to screw it in and one to sponsor him.



11-08-07 - PROCTOLOGICAL EXAM

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."



11-07-07 - TWO LINES

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?
The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."



11-06-07 - ELDERLY COUPLE

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"



11-05-07 - SPILLED HIS GUTS

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."



11-04-07 - THREE BUDDIES DIE

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"



11-03-07 - BABY BROTHER OR SISTER

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"



11-01-07 - CHICKEN

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."



10-31-07 - UNITED AIRLINES

The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Now put the tray up, Bitch."



10-30-07 - WOMAN'S WATCH

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't...there's a clock on the oven!



10-29-07 - AIRPLANE

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.



10-28-07 - TWO COWBOYS

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."



10-27-07 - TWO COWBOYS

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."



10-26-07 - HEAVEN

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang.
walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".
God replied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell."
St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling "God, God, they're gone, they're gone!"
"Who, the New Yorkers?".
"No, the Pearly Gates."



10-25-07 - TOUR OF HEAVEN

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"



10-24-07 - REDNECK

You might be a redneck if you you've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.



10-24-07 - REDNECK

You might be a redneck if you you've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.



10-23-07 - PEARLY GATES

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."



10-22-07 - CHEATING

A wealthy business man and his wife are looking through a marriage-help book when his husband turns to his wife. ''It says here that the most important thing in a marriage is honesty. So let's come to grips here. Honey... have you ever cheated on me? I've never cheated on you.''
He saw the twisted look on his wife's face, and trying to supress his anger, he asked: ''How many times? And when?''
The wife responded, ''Well... you know that time when your company was broke, and you couldn't get the landlord to let his pay slide for another month?''
The husband stared. ''You mean you're the one who got him to?''
His wife knodded. The husband thought it over, then sighed. ''I guess that's okay. Any other times?''
''Well... when you had that heart attack, and the doctor refused to give a heart transplant for the ammount of money we had at the time... I kinda...''
''Ah, you're the one who made it possible.''
The husband looked honestly relieved. ''Well, that's understandable, you saved my life. Any others?''
She nodded. ''One more.''
The husband leaned forward. ''Well... you remember the time when you were running for president of your company, and you were short by 17 votes...?''



10-21-07 - ZIPPER IS UNDONE

A woman walks into a supermarket, and notices a male customer whose zipper is undone. The woman kindly says" excuse me sir,but your barracks doors are open". Not having a clue what the woman was talking about he continued shopping. A few moments later another customer approached the man and explained that his zipper was undone. The man zipped up and continued his shopping. At the checkout he ran into the woman who originally informed him of his zipper.He decides to play into her unusual comment; "excuse me maam, when you noticed my barracks door was open, did you happen to see a soldier standing at full attention?" The woman responded by saying " no, all i saw was a disabled vet sitting on two duffle bags"



10-20-07 - NURSING HOME

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."



10-19-07 - BLIND MAN

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."



10-18-07 - REDNECK

You might be a redneck if...
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"



10-17-07 - FARMER'S SON

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."



10-16-07 - A GUY IN PARIS

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."






10-15-07 - STORMS AND ANCHORS

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."



10-14-07 - POLICE STORY

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Oh yes dear, what happened ?"
"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?"
"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."



10-13-07 - TWO MEN DIED

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"
"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.
"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"



10-12-07 - FROG

A frog went to get a loan at a bank.
The loan officer's name was Ms. Patty Stack. When the frog told Ms. Stack that he wanted a loan, she asked if he had colateral.
He showed her something that, to her, looked like a marbel and said "this is what I have for colateral".
She took it to the bank president and said "there's a frog out there who wants a loan, and this is what he has for colateral (showing him the marbel)".
She said "do you know what this is, and should I give him the loan"? The bank president said "why, that's a nic nac, Patty Stack; give that frog a loan".



10-11-07 - SCARED

Q: Why are people so scared about the current administration?
A: Because we're being ruled by a Bush, a Dick, and a Colin.



10-10-07 - BEAR HUNTING

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"



10-09-07 - A BLONDE AND A BRUNETTE

A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''
The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''



10-08-07 - SOLDIER IN HONG KONG

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."



10-07-07 - CLINTON

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton".
"What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."



10-06-07 - HARD AND HAIRY

What is hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet on the inside, begins with the letter 'c' ends with the letter 't' and has the letters 'u' & 'n' in the middle?
A coconut. ...



10-05-07 - TOY FACTORY

A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts.. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should come in at 8am the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."



10-04-07 - WORST JOB

One day a miserable toothbrush sits down and says, ''Sometimes I feel I have the worst job in the world.'' Then the toilet paper comes and replies sarcasticly, ''Yeah right.''



10-03-07 - NO TRUTH

There is no truth to the rumor that the Florida Orange Growers have offered O.J. Simpson $3 million to change his name to Snapple....



10-02-07 - LAST THING

What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield?
It's ass.



10-01-07 - JOE AND JOHN

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."
"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."



09-30-07 - TWO PRETZELS

Two pretzels walk into a bar and one is assaulted.



09-29-07 - HEAVEN

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, ''Welcome to heaven, my son.''
God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. ''I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease,'' the doctor replies. ''Welcome to heaven, my son,'' God says.
God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. ''Welcome to heaven, my son,'' says God, ''but you have to leave in two days.''



09-28-07 - OSAMA

Why did Osama bin Laden visit Mount Sinai?
He wanted to see the burning Bush.



09-27-07 - REDNECK

Q: How does a redneck take a bubblebath?
A: He farts in a puddle.



09-26-07 - ASSIGNMENT

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."



09-25-07 - TWO CHILDREN

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."



09-24-07 - MARTHA STEWART

Why did Martha Stewart cross the road?
To avoid the throngs of unwashed working class trash shopping for her line of sweatshop manufactured luxury crap sold at local discount retail bacteria farms.



09-23-07 - LEAVING THE USA

Once a lady wanted to leave the U.S.A. but couldn't get a visa. One day, she met a man who told her not to dispair.
"l'll let you sneak aboard my captain's ship and take you to France, but you have to screw me every time I bring you food, okay?"
She accepted, and for about three months the guy brought her food and water and then she screwed him. This went on for about 3 months, at which point she was discovered by the captain. The captain asked what she was doing and she said a man was taking her to France if she screwed him every time he brought her food.
The captain replied, "He sure is screwing you - this is the New York Ferry."



09-22-07 - JOE

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."



09-21-07 - JACK AND BETTY

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
"Three? When were they?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"



09-20-07 - YOU WANT TO TRY IT?

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.
After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.
When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that?" said the trucker. The man said, "Yeah."
The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"
The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"



09-19-07 - NEAR DEATH

A blonde named Anna had a near death experience.
The other day she went horseback riding.
Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control.
She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup.
When this happened, she fell head-first to the ground.
Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.
Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.



09-18-07 - INVISIBLE CARROTS

What's invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts!



09-17-07 - YO MAMA

Yo mama so ugly, that when she wore Pepper Jack panties, even the rats wouldn't eat her.



09-16-07 - NURSING HOME

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.
The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"
The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."
The man says, "And the Viagra?"
"Keeps him from falling out of bed."



09-15-07 - REDNECK

You know you're a redneck if you're part of the KKK, but you can't spell it.



09-14-07 - REDNECK GIRL AND UNABOMBER

What does a redneck girl and the Unabomber have in common?
They've both been fingered by their brothers.



09-13-07 - WHAT YOU GONNA DO?

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."



09-12-07 - DEFINATELY

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."



09-11-07 - TWO ITALIAN MEN

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''



09-10-07 - VERY UGLY

There once was a very rich man who was very ugly. No one ever wanted to sleep with him, so he decided to drive around in his limo until he found somebody. Soon, he spotted a passed-out bum on the street. He quickly ran out, screwed the bum in the ass, left him fifty bucks, and drove off.
A few hours later, the bum woke up, found the fifty bucks, bought a six-pack of Molson, drank them all, and passed out again.
The next day, the rich man returned, found the bum again passed out, screwed him in the ass, and left him a hundred bucks. Astonished by the money when he woke up, the bum bought two six-packs, drank them down, and passed out again.
The next day, the rich man did the same thing to the bum, but this time left him a hundred fifty bucks. When the bum woke up, he went to the store and bought a six-pack of Labatt's.
"Labatt's?" asked the store clerk. "You always buy Molson."
"I know," said the bum. "But Molson makes my ass hurt."



09-09-07 - STOP SMOKING

What do you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
Use more lube.



09-08-07 - PREGNANT BLONDE

Q: What does the blonde say to the doctor when she finds out she's pregnant?
A: Is it mine?



09-07-07 - HILLARY

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.
"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.
"Who is this?''



09-06-07 - JACK

Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack. Everyone in town knew Jack was very optimistic -- even if a situation was terrible, Jack could always think of a way it could be worse. Everyone in the town was tired of hearing Jack say that, so one day they decided to to lie to Jack.
"Jack, the baker Bob found his wife in bed with another man last night! He shot the man and then himself! Isn't that terrible?"
"Sure, it's terrible, but it could've been worse!"
"How could THAT possibly have been worse?"
"Well, if it had been the night before I would've been dead!"



09-05-07 - FOUR BOYS

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."



09-04-07 - IN COMMON

Q: What do a hemophiliac and a virgin have in common?
A: One prick and they're done.



09-03-07 - NEW MINT FLAVOUR

Have you heard about the new mint-flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
They're called "Predickamints!"



09-02-07 - HELL OF A DAY

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"



09-01-07 - CHOKING

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right,that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."



08-31-07 - BELLY BUTTON

Once upon a time a young lad was born without a belly button, in its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. He would have to live with it.
The years passed, and they were hard on the boy, as everyone who saw the screw made fun of him. Then one day, whenhe was fully grown, a mysteroius stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. The man was thrilled. The next day he took his life savings and bought a ticket to Tibet.
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a huge monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He told the man to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.
That night the man went to the room and fell alseep. While he slept, a purple fog floated in through an open window bearing in its mist a golden screwdriver. In just moments the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out of the window.
The next morning when he woke, the man saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down he felt his navel. The scew was gone!
Jubilant, he leaped out of his bed and his butt fell off.



08-30-07 - COUGH

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"



08-29-07 - REDNECK

You might be a redneck if your father walks you to school because you're both in the same grade!



08-28-07 - A PRIEST

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''
''No, I guess not,'' says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''
To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''



08-27-07 - ONE BURGER

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.
"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.
"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."



08-26-07 - SANTA

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."



08-25-07 - PIANO PLAYER WANTED

A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano Player Wanted," so he goes in to apply. The bartender, who is desperate for a player, asks the man to play him something. The man sits down and plays some of the most beautiful music the bartender's ever heard.
"That was amazing" exclaims the bartender. "What was that called?"
"That was something I like to call 'A Weasel Ate My Genitals.'"
"Oh. You know anything else?"
The guy plays another amazingly gorgeous piece. Impressed, the bartender applauds and asks what that one was called.
"It's called 'Crap In My Mouth, I Love It.'"
"Okay," says the bartender. "You can have the job. Just as long as you don't tell anyone the names of the songs."
So the guy begins working nights at the bar, playing to full houses every night, and, true to his word, never revealing the titles of the songs. One night, though, he takes a break to go to the bathroom and forgets to zip up his pants afterwards and his schlong is hanging out. A patron notices and approaches him.
"Do you know your pants are unzipped and your thing is hanging out?"
"Know it, pal?" says the piano player. "I wrote it!"



08-24-07 - LOVER'S LANE

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane.
When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.
After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''



08-23-07 - SADDAM

Q: What did Saddam Hussein have in common with his father?
A: Neither knew when to pull out!



08-22-07 - LAUGHING SMURFS

Why do the smurfs laugh when they frolic through the forest?
Because the grass tickles thier balls!



08-21-07 - THE BEST

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"



08-20-07 - YOUR MAMA

Yo mama so dumb she dj's for the ice cream truck



08-19-07 - OVERWORKED

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me . . . and you're sitting there reading jokes.



08-18-07 - MOTHER IN LAW

One day, a farmer's mother-in-law came down to his farm. A few days later, she was killed when the mule on the farm kicked her.
Thousands of people from town who had heard about the death came to the poor lady's funeral, some that the farmer didn't even know.
A minister noticed this, came up to the farmer, and asked, "Why are there so many people here?"
The farmer answered, "Oh, their not here for the funeral, they want to buy the mule."



08-17-07 - WOMAN IN BED

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi.... I'm so glad that you called.... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time.... Oh, that sounds terrific.... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."



08-16-07 - DUBYA

President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.
"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."
"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."
"Gosh, and the good news?"
"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."



08-15-07 - LITTLE GAY JOHNNY

Little gay Johnny asks Billy, "If you went camping and woke up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?
Billy says, "No way, that'd be embarassing".
Johnny then asks, "Wanna go camping?"



08-14-07 - HEAD STUCK IN A FENCE

Two guys were driving down the road when they saw a goat with its head stuck in a fence.
"Hey man pull over here," said one of the guys. "I want to go screw this goat." He does, and when he is done he says, "Okay, now it's your turn." So his friend sticks his own head in the fence.



08-13-07 - THREE DOCTORS

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.
The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."
Then the German doctor bragged, "That''s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work."



08-12-07 - TWO CANADIAN GUYS

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.
"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."
"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."
"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."



08-11-07 - SLIGHTLY DEAF

A man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample.
The man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?''
Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample."
The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear:
''Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!''



08-10-07 - LITTLE VOICE

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.''
Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and move to Las Vegas.''
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, ''Go to Caesar's Palace.''
He goes to Caesar's Palace and the voice says, ''Make your way to the roulette tables.''
He goes to the roulette tables and the voice says, ''Put all your money on red 23.''
He puts all his money on red 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up black 17.
The voice says, ''Oops.''



08-09-07 - DEAD BLONDE

Q: What do you get when you find a dead blonde in a closet?
A: The hide and seek champion of 1996.



08-08-07 - TWO WEEKS TO LIVE

A man goes to the doctor and gets a check up. The doctor finishes the exam and tells the man, "I have some bad news, you only have have about two weeks left to live".
The man is shocked. He asks the doctor, "Is there is any thing that he could do to make the time that I have left more tolerable?"
The doctor thinks for a moment. "There is one thing that you could do".
"Just name it, I''''ll do whatever it is". He tells the man to take alot of mud baths, two or three a day. The man looks at his doctor asks, "Will that help my condition"?
The doctor says, "No, but it will get you used to the dirt."



08-07-07 - MESSAGE FROM SADDAM

Bush got a coded message from Saddam.
It read: 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was stumped and sent for the CIA. The CIA was stumped too, so it went to the NSA.
The NSA couldn't solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton.
He suggested turning the message upside down ...



08-06-07 - AFTER SEX

A person was asked if he talked to his wife after having sex.....
the man replied : yea sure i do ..if can find the phone



08-05-07 - BLONDE

A blonde walks into an ice cream shop and asks for a scoop of chocolate.
The brunette worker tells her they are all out of chocolate.
The blonde comes back later and asks again for a scoop of chocolate ice cream.
The brunette tells her, she doesn't have any chocolate ice cream, but the blonde doesn't believe her and asks to speak to the manager.
The brunette asks the blonde if she can spell the 'STRAW' in strawberry?
The blonde spells it correctly.
The brunette then asks if she can smell the 'FUCK' in chocolate.
The blonde begins to spell it, and stops, "Hey, there is no FUCK in chocolate."
The brunette then says, "Exactly, THERE IS NO FUCKING CHOCOLATE!"



08-04-07 - OSAMA AND SADDAM

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"



08-03-07 - PARROTS

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"



08-02-07 - REDNECKS AND POSSUM

How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
Three. One to eat it, and two to watch for cars.



08-01-07 - CAT AND TOAST

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?



07-31-07 - A KING AND HIS DONKEY

A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite donkey, who was depressed, so he put out a proclamation that he would pay anyone in the kingdom 200 gold pieces if they could make his donkey happy. Many tried, all failed.
Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was indeed happy - so happy in fact, that he was laughing heartily. The jester got the gold, but a few days passed and the king couldn''t make the donkey stop laughing. So he put out another proclamation saying he would pay 500 gold pieces to anyone who could make the donkey stop.
The jester returned, went in to see the donkey for a few seconds, and when he came out, the donkey was crying. The king asked the jester how he did it. The jester said, "I will tell you for another 200 gold pieces."
When the jester had received his gold, he revealed, "On my first visit, I told the donkey that my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him."



07-30-07 - THREE GIRL FRIENDS

I had three girlfriends, but wasn't sure which one to marry. So I decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one went out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and comes back to my place and says, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." I was very touched and aroused, and we had lots of great sex.
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and brings them back to me as gifts. This sweet girl looked into my eyes and said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." I watched my new television with great enjoyment!
The third one takes the $5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returns the original $5000 to me and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." She has enough to buy me a new boat.
I thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.



07-29-07 - PUT THESE ON

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers." she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."



07-28-07 - TWO BLONDES

Two blondes were shopping at the mall. When they were done, they went out to their car, which happened to be an awesome leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stood there and thought for a while.
Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock. The other blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded,
"HURRY, HURRY, IT'S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!"



07-27-07 - STATE OF THE ART

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"



07-26-07 - ON A BUS

A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly across from an old man.
The young punk has spiked green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His entire face and body are covered with piercings and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.
The old man stares at the young punk as the bus travels across the city.
Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."



07-25-07 - FAT MAMA

Yo mama so fat, when she jumped into the ocean the whales started singing, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me!"



07-24-07 - MAGICAL FAIRYLAND

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are crossing an enchanted bridge in Magical Fairyland when they run into a fairy.
The fairy says that they can be granted a transformation if they jump off the bridge and call out their wish.
The brunette immediately jumps off the bridge and yells "Eagle!" She turns into a beautiful bird of prey and flies away.
The redhead jumps off the bridge and yells out "Salmon!" She turns into a gorgeous shimmering salmon and swims upstream to spawn.
The blonde is at this point so excited that she jumps off the bridge without thinking of her wish.
She panics.
"Crap!"



07-23-07 - NAME THAT ANIMAL

Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.



07-22-07 - BIRD

There was a man sunbathing on a beach naked. A girl came along and pointed to his dingly dangly and asked, "what is that?" He replied, "It's my bird!"
She ran away to play in the sand cheerfully.
The man fell asleep. zZzZzZz.
Later he woke up in hospital with pain around his groin.
He did not know what had gone wrong. He thought back maybe the girl might know, so once he was out of the hospital he asked her.
She replied, "I played with the bird and it spat at me so I cracked its neck, broke its eggs, and burnt its nest."



07-21-07 - MICHAEL JACKSON

Michael Jackson and Debbie were in the maternity ward just after Debbie gave birth to their first child.
Michael asked her "How long do you think it will be before we can have sex?"
Debbie replied, "Jeez Michael, give it a chance to walk first!"



07-20-07 - HONEY

This guy bursts into his house and shouts, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"
She says, "That's wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care-just get the hell out!"



07-19-07 - YOUR MAMA

Your mama's so hairy her knees have bangs.



07-18-07 - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

What's the similarity between a woman and dog poop?
The older they get the easier they are to pick up.



07-17-07 - MOMMY MOMMY

Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.



07-16-07 - HILLARY

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.
"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.
"Who is this?''



07-15-07 - CONFUCIUS SAY

Confucius say, "Virginity like bubble; One prick - all gone!"



07-14-07 - FAITHFUL CAT

Once upon a time, a woman had a faithful cat. And one day, a guy ran over the cat with his horse drawn carriage. So, the man went to the old woman and said..
"I'm terribly sorry about your cat. I'd like to replace him."
"That so nice of you!" said the old woman, deeply touched.
"So how good are you at catching mice?"



07-13-07 - NEW ZEALAND

Why do New Zealand horses run so fast?
Because they saw what happened to the sheep!



07-12-07 - DENTIST

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."



07-11-07 - DIE WITH YOUR SHOES ON

Did you hear about the Blonde who wanted to die with her shoes on so she wouldn't hurt her toes when she kicked the bucket?



07-10-07 - BLONDE

If a Blonde throws a pin at you, what is the best thing to do?
Run like hell, chances are she'll be holding a hand grenade in her mouth!



07-09-07 - OLD MRS BROWN

A man and his young son were sitting in there home one morning when thefather turned to his son and said, "Son, run across the street and see how old Mrs. Brown is this morning."
A few moments later the boy returned. "Pa," he reported, "Mrs. Brownsays it's none of your fucking business how old she is."



07-08-07 - A BLONDE AND A BRUNETTE

A Blonde and a Brunette were on a two person bike and having difficulties riding up a steep hill.
Finally they reached the top and the Brunette turned to the Blonde saying, "I didn't think we would EVER make it to the top!"
"Yeah," replied the Blonde "and its a good thing I kept the brakes on or we would have rolled back down!"



07-06-07 - THREE BLONDES

Three blondes were standing one on top of the other, trying to measure a flag pole.
A man passing by called over to them, "Why dont you just lay the pole down on the ground, and then measure it?"
The top-most blonde replied "We are wanting to measure the height," she called down to the man "Not the length!"



07-05-07 - BOBBY & PEGGY SUE

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.
'That''s cool.' says Bobby.
Peggy Sue''s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'



07-04-07 - CAPTAIN BRAVO

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my Red Shirt.'' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, ''Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied, ''If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.''
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.
Captain Bravo calmly shouted, ''Get me my brown pants.''



07-03-07 - LAST FIGHT

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"



07-02-07 - HIGHWAY EMPLOYEE

A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!
The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"



07-01-07 - SELF EXAM

GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION...
1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only suks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.
8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they Flame out too.



06-30-07 - NEW WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with the expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind. Then this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year ... Namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo???
It's been a year!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He didn't call back. I bet he felt dumb!!!



06-29-07 - WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?

A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne, Australia.
After the plane was airborne, drinks orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."



06-28-07 - NEW BOYFRIEND

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem the little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." The minister fainted



06-27-07 - PREACH TO A BEAR

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi, all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation. "
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast, and traction, with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."



06-26-07 - SOLDIER AND A NUN

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ...
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
“Thank you”, the nun replied, "If you had of looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq , either."



06-25-07 - TASTE TEST

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test.
She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! Spit it out! It's a piece of Ass!"



06-24-07 - INSANE

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ''Up nuts!''
And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ''Down nuts!'' And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, ''Cheer nuts!'' And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, ''Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ''PEANUTS!''



06-23-07 - BOB

Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. 'Hello?', says a little girl's voice.
'Hi, honey, it's Daddy', says Bob. 'Is Mummy near the phone'?
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank'.
After a brief pause, Bob says, 'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!'
'Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!'
'Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do ... put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house'.
'Okay, Daddy'.
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. 'Well, I did what you said, Daddy!' '
And what happened?'
'Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead'.
'Oh, my God .... and what about Uncle Frank?'
'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead, too'.
There is a long pause, then Bob says ...........'Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?!!!



06-22-07 - FAT FELLOW

This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly for no discernible reason he confided in me that he "hadn't seen his 'thing' in 15 years."
Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, I said, "Why don't you diet?"
Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said, "Dye it? What color is it now?"



06-21-07 - FAIRY

One day, a fairy visits a lonely widow and says that she is there to give her 3 wishes.
''I wish I was 21 and beautiful!'' The wish is instantly granted.
''I wish I had a million dollars!'' The wish is granted.
''I wish that my cat here were the most handsome guy in the world and were madly in love with me.'' The wish is granted. The now young lady and her man go inside. They start to cuddle, and the man looks at her.
''Aren''t you upset you had me fixed?''



06-20-07 - NURSE NANCY

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!''
''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, ?earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''
All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.
''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'''



06-19-07 - MOOSE HUNTERS

Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off."
"That's baloney!" says one of the hunters. "Yeah," the other agrees, "You're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn't afraid to take off!"
"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!" The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!"
They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?"
One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked



06-18-07 - LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"



06-17-07 - PHARMACOLOGY

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.



06-16-07 - JOHN THOMAS

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to work on his tan.
Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, he fell asleep and sunburned his John Thomas.
Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with a hot blonde, so, he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.
The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast.
After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt.
After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.
A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain.
So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk.
He experienced immediate relief.
The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his John Thomas immersed in in the glass of milk.
With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed, "SO, THAT'S HOW YOU RELOAD THOSE THINGS"!



06-15-07 - PASTOR'S ASS

The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
Following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop was absolutely beside himself. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
The bishop fainted. He ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
Next day's headline:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day



06-14-07 - BUBBA

Bubba, a furniture dealer from College Station , Texas , decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in College Station .
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her. He took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.



06-13-07 - JESUS?

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus
my brother? "The drunk again answers, "No, haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again
--- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?
(Are ya ready for this???????? ????????? ?) The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, " Are you sure this is where he fell in?"



06-12-07 - STUDYING IS BETTER THEN SEX

Why studying is better than sex.
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.



06-11-07 - A DOCTOR

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."



06-10-07 - A LITTLE KID

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"
The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"



06-09-07 - HOSPITAL TOUR

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."



06-08-07 - NUDIST COLONY

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, "did you call for me?"
The man replied, "No, what do you mean?"
She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.
"Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer.
"You must be new." answered the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked.
"Here's my members hip card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities."
"Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."



06-07-07 - ALABAMA PREACHER

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression. " Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!



06-06-07 - ALTERBOY

As the alterboy is leaving to go home, the priest says. "See you later aligator" the alterboy replies "In a while pedophile".



06-05-07 - 20 YEARS

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"



06-04-07 - PETER AND ALFRED

Peter and Alfred Nussbaum were tailors and partners in the firm Nussbaum Brothers; and after many years they decided to Anglicize their names and henceforth the firm should be known as the Nuss Brothers.
After completing the legal paperwork, they informed the receptionist, Ethel, that from Monday on, she should answer the phone as "Nuss Brothers."
"I quit," said Ethel.
"But why?", asked Peter, "the pay and benefits will be the same!"
"Yeah? Well YOU answer the phone then. I don't want to answer and find that the caller says he wants to speak with Mr. Nuss. Then I have to say... "Yes Sir; which one? P-Nuss or A-Nuss?"



06-03-07 - COWS

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to breed them, so he hired his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.
After a while the boy came into the living room where his father was talking with some friends. "Hey, Dad?" said the boy. "The bull just fucked the brown cow."
The room went silent. The father excused himself and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You could say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow."
After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Dad?"
"Let me guess," said the father, "the bull surprised the white cow?"
"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again."



06-02-07 - FATHER FLAHERTY

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said,"Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."
They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh , very well, Fath! er!"
The Father asked, " Tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and four singles, 10 in all!"
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?"
She replied, "E 's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."



06-01-07 - CROSS EYED BEAR

A mother asked her young daughter what they did in Sunday school that day. "We sang a song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly" came the reply. Amused but confused, the mother inquired of the pastor the following sunday just what song her daughter was refering to. "Oh" said the pastor, "She must have been refering to the hym "Gladly the cross I bear."



05-31-07 - SAND

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."
The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first little old lady says, "Look at that."
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."
"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."
"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."
"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."
"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."
"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."
"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"



05-30-07 - THREE PRIESTS

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburg. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass. Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to Titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you!"



05-29-07 - AN ASIAN MAN

An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen. He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time, he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen"
The clerk replies, "Fluctuations." As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Amelicans, too!"



05-28-07 - NEW ELEMENT

New Element Found: Bushcronium
The densest element yet known to science has been discovered. The new element has been named "Bushcronium".
Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 911.
These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. The symbol for Bushcronium is "W."
Bushcronium's mass actually increases over time, as these morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons in a Bushcronium molecule, forming a large cluster of idiotopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a critical mass also known as "Critical Morass."
When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element radiating several orders of magnitude more energy, mostly as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.



05-27-07 - BLONDES

A blonde goes through town digging a hole, followed by a second blonde filling it in...digging, filling....digging, filling....a passerby notices this and curiosity wins out...he walks up and says, "Excuse me, could you tell me what you're doing?"
One of the blondes answers, "Well we usually work as a three-some. but the one who plants the trees took the day off."



05-26-07 - GEORGE DUBYA

GEORGE DUBYA
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and people, and neither do we."
- Washington, D.C.; Aug. 5, 2004



05-25-07 - JOHNNY

Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York during the winter. He and his friend went outside to play in the snow.
After about an hour, his friend's mother called them back inside and had them remove their galoshes and gloves.
Johnny's friend's mom was a tall voluptuous, woman who would warm her son's hands by putting them between her thighs.
So as usual, when her son came in from playing in the snow, she asked if his hands were cold, to which he replied "yes."
She then put them together and stuck them between her warm thighs.
After a few minutes, she asked "are they warm yet?" and the little boy said "yes."
Johnny watched his friend and waited his turn.
His friend's mom then asked him if his hands were cold, to which he replied, "Yes."
So she took his hands, put them together and stuck them between her thighs.
After a few minutes she asked if his hands were "warm yet" and he said "yes."
So she took them out. Johnny continued to stand there with a sly shit eating grin on his face.
When the mom asked "well what is it now, Johnny? What's wrong?
Johnny looked up at her and replied "My ears are cold too!"



05-24-07 - LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".



05-23-07 - THE SMITHS

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"



05-22-07 - THIEF

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too."



05-21-07 - FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

It was the first day of school and the teacher was getting acquainted with her students. She went down the line asking each one what their Father did for a living. She came to little Johnny and asked, "Johnny, what does your daddy do?" "MY daddy's dead", came the reply. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that" said the teacher. "What did he do before he died??" Grabbing his neck, Johnny blurted "He went Aaaaargh!!"



05-20-07 - THREE CONTRACTORS

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at 24 Sussex. One from Alberta, another from Newfoundland and the third, Quebec. They go with a government official to examine the fence.
The Albertan contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil Well,' he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 Profit for me.
The Newfie contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.'
The Quebec contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the official and whispers, '$2,700.'
The governement official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
The Quebec contractor whispers back, '$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the Newfie to fix the fence.'
'Done!' replies the government official.



05-19-07 - JOHNNY

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.
The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"
Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."
"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.
A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.
Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.
The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"
Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."



05-18-07 - LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?."
The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?"
Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs."



05-17-07 - SNAKE AND BUNNY

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'
'It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.'
'Oh, that would be wonderful,' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'
'Oh, thank you! Thank you,' cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me.' So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, and no backbone. I'd say you must be either an accountant, or possibly someone in senior management.'



05-16-07 - THREE WOMEN

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions -- but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."
After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera -- we're going to my parent's house for two weeks."
The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my Husband didn't buy me a new Mercedes -- he bought me a second-hand Taurus."
"Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."



05-15-07 - DENTIST

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"



05-14-07 - A LITTLE KID

A little kid runs in after a day at school:
"Mummy, mummy, someone at school called me a sissy!"
"So what did you do dear?" asks his mother.
"I hit him with my handbag!"



05-13-07 - ELEPHANT AND TURTLE

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".



05-12-07 - GEORGE

An 80-year-old man went for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" George replied, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor said.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?"
"Oh my Lord!" Ethel exclaimed. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"



05-11-07 - FEELING LIKE A WOMAN

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".



05-10-07 - DON'T TRUST

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!



05-09-07 - TWO WORDS

Q. What two words will clear out a men's changing room quicker than anything else?
A. Nice dick!



05-08-07 - O'CONNELL

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"



05-07-07 - REDNECK

You might be a redneck if...
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the yard.
Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.



05-06-07 - COLONOSCOPIES

An physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
"Can you hear me NOW?"
"You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
"If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
"Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
"Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"



05-05-07 - THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY

Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't
I need you to whip it out by 5:00!
Mind if I use your laptop?
Put this in my box before you leave.
I want it on my desk now!
Hmm.. I think I'm out of fluid.
My equipment's so old, it takes forever to finish!
It's an entry level position.
When do you think you'll be getting off today?
It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits back!



05-04-07 - CANADIAN

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."



05-03-07 - TWO DRUNKS

Two drunks were sitting in a gay bar when one of them notices a hot man sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that guy."
The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask him, don't be a chicken shit."
So the man approaches the hot man and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"
Seeing the man is totally drunk the hot guy says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance."
So the man humbly returns to his friend.
"So what did he say?" asks the friend.
The drunk responded, "He said he's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in his pants."



05-02-07 - 3 WISHES

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.
POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"



05-01-07 - SARGEANT CLARK

Sergeant Clark was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Rogers noticed that Sergeant Clark had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Clark's sales pitch. Clark explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now", he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"



04-30-07 - A STRANGER

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea," To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"



04-29-07 - RICHARDSON TEXAS

In Richardson Texas a State Trooper was running radar.
He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any.
Then he discovered the problem.
A 12 year old boy was standing up the north end of the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"
The officer later found a young accomplice down the south end of the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.



b>04-28-07 - TWO EAGLES

Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government Official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,Where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute And then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians Running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, Clean water; women did all the work, medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough think he improve system like that



04-27-07 - CANCER

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."



04-26-07 - FIRST TIME

A son tells his dad he just had sex for the first time
his dad grabs two beers and congradulates him
he says "congrats... any questions?"
the son replies "yes... how long is my ass gonna hurt?"



04-25-07 - VAMPIRE BAT

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"



04-24-07 - MEN

Men are like parking spaces - the best are taken the rest seemed to be marked handicapped....



04-23-07 - NEW STAMP

The U.S. Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of George W. Bush to honor his first-term achievements.
In daily use, it has been shown that the stamp is not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission has made the following findings:
1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.



04-22-07 - WHY IS IT?

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.



04-21-07 - BUSH

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama bin Laden is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message : 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
Still with no clue as to its meaning, America's finest spooks eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help.
Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down"



04-20-07 - COLD WATER

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tin! y specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are yo u sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"



04-19-07 - OLD MAN AND WOMAN

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though, they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......" My kinda woman



04-18-07 - FINAL EXAM

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."



04-17-07 - DUST

"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust."
He would have continued, but at that moment a very obedient four-year daughter who was listening very intently leaned over and asked quite audibly in her shrill little-girl voice, "Mommy, what is 'butt dust'?"



04-16-07 - STEALING?

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.



04-15-07 - LIFESAVER

A professer from the Washington State University was doing a test on children, so he brought in a bunch of first graders then he gave each of them a lifesaver all the kids got the same colour at the same time.
Red=Cherry
Green=Lime
Orange=Orange
Yellow=Lemon
Then he gave them all a honey flavored one after a while all the children couldn't figure it out so the professer gives them a hint "This is something your mommy might call your daddie"
Then one little girl looked at the professer and the other children in horror then she yells "Spit them out thery're assholes"



04-14-07 - LOUISIANA

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change.
When the clerk opened the cash drawer, he man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.
The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)



04-13-07 - CONFUCIUS

Confucius say.. man who smoke pot might choke on handle.



04-12-07 - GAY WEDDING

Etiquette Tips For The Gay Male Wedding
1. On the day of a gay wedding, it's bad luck for the two grooms to see each other at the gym.
2. Superstition suggests that for good luck the couple should have something bold, something flirty, something trashy, something dirty.
3. It's customary at gay and lesbian nuptials for the parents to have an open bar during the ceremony.
4. Gay wedding tradition dictates that both grooms refrain from eating wedding cake because it's all carbs.
5. It's considered bad luck for either of the grooms to have dated the priest.
6. During the first dance, it's considered unlucky to use glow sticks, flags, whistles or handheld lasers.
7. For good luck at the union of a drag queen, the bouquet is always thrown in the face of a hated rival.
8. The father of the Bottom pays for everything!



04-11-07 - MEAN ACTING WOMAN

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy T-shirt with holes in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails. When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart! Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike? " "No, ma'am." replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone had sex with you twice!!"



04-10-07 - THREE BLONDES

Three blondes (natural, of course) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Blondes!," and he sent her to Limbo.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Booboo," and he sent her to Limbo.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.
St. Peter said, Verrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St Peter fainted



04-09-07 - DIFFERENCE?

And difference between a tacky bitch and a vicious bitch?
The tacky bitch will tell you: "Um, you're not going to wear that are you?"
The vicious bitch will tell you: "let's go - you look fabulous!!!!!



04-08-07 - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

What's the diffrence between a slut and a bitch?
a slut will sleep with anyone.......a bitch will sleep with anyone EXCEPT you



04-07-07 - DENTIST

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old!" Well, you are gonna love this one.
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist when I noticed his diploma hanging on the wall. It bore his full name and I suddenly remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name. He had been in my high school class some 40-odd years before and I wondered if he could be the same guy I had a secret crush on way back then??
When I got into the treatment room I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was much too old to have been my secret crush... or was he???
After he examined my teeth I asked if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
"Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang!" He said, gleaming with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked.
"1959. Why do you ask?" He answered.
"Well, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
Then that ugly, old wrinkled son of a bitch asked, "What did you teach?



04-06-07 - PRECIOUS

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."



04-05-07 - ROTTEN LUCK

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"



04-04-07 - CONTAGIOUS

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher.
"Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."



04-03-07 - LITTLE OLD LADY

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".
The next week the lady returns.
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".
"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."



04-02-07 - GEORGE BUSH

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room and in it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
"No." George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day."
The devil led him to the next room.
In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, swing, swing, time after time.
Such was his fate in hell.
"No." I've got a problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day." commented George.
The devil opened a third door.
In it was Bill Clinton lying on a bed with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagled pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while then finally said, "Yeah, I reckon I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"



04-01-07 - GEORGE

All of his life George, a blond male from Newfoundland had heard stories of a family tradition. It seems that his father and grandfather had been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father and his father before him?"
Granny looked into George's big blue eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."



03-30-07 - THREE OLD GUYS

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really?" answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."



03-29-07 - HORSEBACK

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant nt. "Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."



03-28-07 - AMY

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" Then the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."



03-27-07 - JACK AND JILL

Jack and Jill were working for this company. The company had run into some bad times and the guy that owned the company was going to have to lay either Jack or Jill off. He really couldn't decide which one to lay off because they were both really good workers.
One day, he decided which ever one of them came back from lunch first, he was going to lay off. Sure enough, here came Jill up the front stairs. As she entered the front door, he walked up to her and said, "Listen Jill, I'm really sorry but I'm going to have to either lay you or Jack off."
Jill replied, "Well you're going to have to jack off cause I got a headache........"



03-25-07 - ATTENTION

Attention All Heterosexual Men!
Are you disillusioned by your lifestyle? Do you want more from life besides monster truck shows? Do Budweiser commercials confuse you? Are you tired of being a year behind in fashion? Do you wish you had a nice apartment like the ones you see on "Will & Grace"?
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Act now, and you'll be on your way to living a fabulous, glamorous life as a HOMOSEXUAL! We are now recruiting heterosexual men ages 18-65 to become homosexuals. Let us assist you in your transformation from bland to beautiful! We'll give you all the steps you'll need to be a happy fairy, such as:
* Drag Queen make-up tips!
* How to have sex with a man WITHOUT the six pack of beer!
* How to decorate with frills and throw pillows to brighten up any room!
* Essential Madonna and Cher records to own
* That tongue trick invented circa 1978 in some alley in NYC
* Ricky Martin's fan club address
* Style and grooming tips NO self respecting gay would be without (hope you're not too attached to that uni-brow)
* How to wear a G-string with poise and dignity (we'll insert a few bucks to get you started)
* Finger-snapping lessons, and a dialect coach to assist in "gaylingo"
* Learn important historical dates, like: the year Donna Summer won her first Grammy, Barbra's wedding anniversary, and the day Judy died!
ACT NOW AND YOU'LL RECEIVE A GOLD-PLATED CLOSET DOOR HINGE TO SYMBOLIZE YOUR FREEDOM!
Don't delay any longer! Do you want to have more women hanging off you than when you were straight? Aren't you tired of the snickers whenever you walk into a room?
Call 1-800-976-HOMO to BEGIN YOUR LIFE AS A FABULOUS FAG!!!
Call today. Operators are standing by . . . . .



03-24-07 - CARDIOLOGIST

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge 7-foot wide heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.... I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.



03-23-07 - PATROL

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Escanaba , Michigan after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Yooper. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."



03-22-07 - FILL YER UP

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"



03-21-07 - OLD FARMER

A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and said to the old farmer, "I'm here to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said, "You'd better not go out in that field."
The Ag representative said in a "demanding tone, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government behind me. See this card, I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."
So the old farmer went about his chores. In a few minutes, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for his life, h eaded for the fence. Close behind, and gaining with every step, was the farmer's prize bull, nostrils flaring, madder than a full nest of hornets.
The old farmer cupped his hands to his mouth and yelled out, "Show Him Your Card! Show Him Your Card!"



03-20-07 - TALKING DOG

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."



03-19-07 - AUSTRALIA

There are reports of a new problem in Australia. Some of the Kangaroos have developed a thirst for revenge against the traffic that keeps knocking them down.
Drivers have reported that they'll pass a herd of roos that are hopping along peacefully, but as soon as they've passed them, the roos suddenly change direction and veer towards the vehicle.
The driver then has to drive as quickly as possible to escape the rampaging marsupials.
Drivers are being urged to keep an eye on their veer-roo mirror at all times.



03-18-07 - DRUNKEN MAN

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table,leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.



03-17-07 - NEW DOCTOR

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, " What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"



03-16-07 - PEARLY GATES

Liberace, Freddie Mercury and Princess Diana all turn up at the Pearly Gates at the same time. St Peter explains to them that currently he only has room for one and asks all three of them to justify their claims for entry into Heaven.
Liberace starts off: "Well, I deserve a place because in my time I was a great entertainer and gave pleasure to millions of people. I wore beautiful costumes that delighted the eye and gave lots of money to charity."
"I too was hugely popular for my music-making and had followers in their millions throughout the world; many charities benefited from my generosity - I think I should get into Heaven," says Freddie.
At that, St Peter pronounces: "Well, I'm sorry boys - Diana, you're in."
"Why is that?" protest Liberace and Freddie.
"Well," explains Peter, "everyone knows that a royal flush beats two queens any time."



03-15-07 - JOHN AND MARY

Southern Baptists John and Marie went to the same Baptist church. Marie went every Sunday and taught Sunday School.
John went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays.
On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Marie and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?"
"Why Yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie.
Well, John couldn't believe his luck.
All week long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the finest restaurant in town.
When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, John,"said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner.
Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.
"Hey, Marie," said John, "Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn.
He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Marie," said John, "How would you like to stop at this motel with me?"
"Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie.
Well, John couldn't believe his luck.
He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie.
The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed.
"What have I done? What have I done?" thought John.
He shook Marie and she woke up. "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing, said John. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them.......
"You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."



03-14-07 - TWO GUYS

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying at attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.



03-13-07 - CHICKEN DISH

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish.
By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake.
You see that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem with this is that this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.
A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen up, pal. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!"



03-12-07 - LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said, "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do; he'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."
But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don't worry Mum, I've got it covered." So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."
So she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!" As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said, "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."
So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said... "NO! You're going to eat me like the book says."



03-11-07 - TWO RABBITS

Tester: "If I give you two rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"
Paddy replied, "SEVEN!"
Tester: "No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"
Paddy: "SEVEN!"
Tester: "Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?"
Paddy: "SIX."
Tester: "Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?"
Paddy: "SEVEN!"
Tester: "How on Earth do you figure that you'd have seven rabbits?"
Paddy: "Well I've already got one rabbit at home!"



03-10-07 - ORANGE PENIS

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."



03-09-07 - MOTHER IN LAW

I hate my mother-in-law.
Last week we had a really nasty argument.
I did some terrible things.
I probably should apologize but I really don't feel like digging her up just for that.



03-08-07 - FIRST GRADE

A first-grade class comes in from recess, and the teacher asks a little girl what she did outside.
“I played in the sandbox,” she says.
“That’s good,” replies the teacher. “Go to the blackboard, and if you can write sand correctly, I’ll give you a cookie.”
The girl gets her treat, and the teacher asks a boy wearing a turban what he did during recess. “I tried to play in the sandbox, but everyone threw rocks at me,” he says.
“That’s blatant racial discrimination!” says the teacher. “And if you can write blatant racial discrimination on the board, you’ll get a cookie.”



03-07-07 - THREE PRIESTS

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburg.
Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass.
Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to Titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you!"



03-06-07 - NUDIST

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.
He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says:
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle. . . . it makes your nose look too short."
Love, Grandma



03-05-07 - LOUISE

Here's to the girl named Louise
Who's pubic hair hung to her knees
the crabs came together,
and knitted a sweater
so in Winter her cunt would not freeze!



03-04-07 - SPLEEN

there was a young man from Spleen
who invented a wanking machine
on the 99th stroke
the fucking thing broke
and whiped his balls to cream



03-03-07 - LEXUS

A guy walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly he spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it
As he bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped him. Embarrassed, he anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now.
But, as he turned back, there, standing next to him, is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Sir, How may I help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, he smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price." 03-02-07 - OLD COUPLE

Sitting in their favorite gay bar, an elderly gay man in a VERY long term relationship leans over and asks his partner, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern, where you leaned against the back fence and I did you."
"Yes," his partner replies, "I remember it well."
"How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you horny old fart, that sounds like a great idea!"
An off-duty bartender sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old guys going at it against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." He proceeds to follow them.
The couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support and balance, aided by their walking sticks. Finally, at the rear of the tavern, they make their way to the back fence. The partner drops his pants while the other unzips. As his partner leans against the fence, Charlie moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the bartender has ever seen. They are acting like two teenaged studs, really going at it! This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The bartender was amazed. He has learned something about life and prejudging his elderly patrons. He has just witnessed something that he didn't know was possible. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the twosome struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The bartender is still watching and thinks to himself, this was truly amazing; I've got to find out their secret. As the men are slowly finishing getting dressed, he asks them, "Excuse me gentlemen, but that was really something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Still shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't a damn electric fence."



03-01-07 - YOUR FLY IS OPEN

Most Polite Ways to Say Your Fly Is Open........ .
12. Zip zip zippity do dah!!
11. You left the barn upen, the horse might get out.
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.



02-28-07 - SAINT PAUL

There was a young man from Saint Paul
Who went to a masquerade ball.
Just for a stunt
He went dressed as a cunt,
And was fucked by a dog in the hall.



02-27-07 - HILLARY

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.
He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smilinghappily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.
The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."



02-26-07 - WHICH IS WORSE

WHICH IS WORSE?
Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off his penis after his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your mistress find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis, OR
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.



02-25-07 - NOT TOO MUCH

A mother told her little daughter not to eat too much chocolate, otherwise she would get fat.
Later that day, whilst traveling on a bus, the little girl spotted a very pregnant lady sitting a few seats away. With a knowing look on her face, the little girl went up to the mother-to-be and said in a very loud voice "I know what you've been doing!"



02-24-07 - QUEENSLAND COW

A Queensland cow cocky was grazing his herd on the long acre of a remote pasture in outback Queensland when suddenly a brand-new and shining 4WD emerges from a dust cloud.
The driver, a man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Bole sunglasses and Yves St Laurent silk tie, slides down the window and asks the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The farmer looks from the man to the peacefully grazing herd and murmurs, "Why not?"
The well-dressed man whips out his notebook, connects it to his mobile phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation sysem to get a fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
Then he opens the digital photo in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. Now he accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised LaserJet printer, turns to the drover and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right." says the farmer. "Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"
and he watches the man select an animal and stuff it into the boot of his car.
"Hey," muses the grazier, "If I can tell you exactly what you do for a living, will you give me back the animal?"
The man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Parliamentarian from Canberra" says the drover.
"Wow! That's correct! But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody invited you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cattle. Now, give me back my bloody dog."




02-23-07 - HERMAN JAMES

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a Pennsylvania man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day he was issued a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap...
The Army has been looking for him for 51 years…



05-07-06 - FALLING ASLEEP IN CHURCH

A man approached the minister at his church...."Reverend," he said, "We have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What can I do?"
"I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task," said the minister. "Take this hat pin with you. I can see when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the hat pin.
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said nodding to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp hat pin. "Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's quick reply. Mrs. Jones then turned and glared angrily at her husband. Soon, Mrs. Jones again nodded off. The minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones. "My God!", howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin. "Right again!", bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face. Mrs. Jones again gave her husband a real hard threatening glare. Before long, though, she again nodded off. This time however, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to sharply poke his wife with the hat pin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones jumped up and shouted, "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it where the sun don't shine!" "Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation.



05-06-06 - DEAD COW

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the familys only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, Ive seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right. And while the son tried his best (seven times), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the mermaid. I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.
The young son replied, Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row? And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, Why not THIRTY times in a row?
Finally, she said, Enough Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health. Then the young son asked, Wait How do I know that thirty times in a row wont kill you like it did the cow?



05-05-06 - BOB

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. “Oh no”, says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" “I recognized her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time!”



05-04-06 - SWITZERLAND

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated vibrating hair remover for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.
Finding his reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!



05-03-06 - A FEW THINGS

A Few Things To Think About
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane



05-02-06 - HOW MANY DOGS

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!



05-01-06 - DIVORCE

A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here." She asks, "What’s that?" The husband replies, just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag."



04-30-06 - CONFESSION

A young man went to confession. "Bless me father for I have sinned." he said "Last night my boyfriend made love to me seven times."
The priest said, "My son, you must go home and suck the juice of seven lemons."
"And will that absolve me?" asked the young man.
"No," replied the priest, "but it will wipe that smug look off your face."



04-29-06 - SEX IN THE FOREST

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"



04-27-06 - PARADE

"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." - John F. Kennedy



04-26-06 - ONLY IN AMERICA

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.



04-24-06 - NOT AS THEY APPEAR

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. The plane had a layover in Sacramento. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in one hour.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Another man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lays quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for an hour, would you like to get off and stretch your legs?
"The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story....Have a great day and remember...
Things aren't always as they appear.



04-23-06 - LITTLE LEROY

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Leroy, he thought, of course he did.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell Him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Letter One:
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your Friend, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter Two:
Dear God, This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank You, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true either, so he wrote another letter.
Letter Three:
Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank You, Leroy
Leroy knew, even if this was true, the letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad."Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if any one was there.
He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary and slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door and sat down with a piece of paper and pen.
Letter Four:
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE. Leroy



04-22-06 - ONLY IN AMERICA

Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.



04-21-06 - BILLY BOB

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decided it was time for his son, 14 year old Billy Bob, to learn about the facts of life. So, he took him to the local house of ill repute, which was fronted by a beauty parlor.
Bubba introduced Billy Bob to the madam, and explained that it was time for his indoctrination to sex."
The madam said, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to take care of this personally."
So, the madam took Billy Bob by the hand and led him to a room upstairs where she completed his deflowering.
Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam said, "Since this was your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave. I'm going to give you a manicure."
Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob ran into the madam on the main street. Billy Bob was acting a little shy, so the madam smiled and said, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?"
"Yes ma'am," the boy stammered, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch my balls."



04-20-06 - TWO NUNS

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".



04-19-06 - TWO NUNS

Two nuns going for their saturday afternoon bicycle ride.
One nun said ' i don't think i've come this way before.
other nun replied ' no i think it's the cobble stones'.



04-18-06 - MY FAULT

The last fight was my fault.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"



04-17-06 - AEROBICS FOR SENIORS

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.



04-16-06 - EASTER

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.



04-14-06 - COMPUTER SET UP

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wifethat he was keying in....
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***



04-13-06 - TWO MEN

Two men are sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think from listening to you that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am." The first guy says, "So am I, and where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begorra, and so am I, and what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area, it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.
The other guy gasps, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I, and to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, St. Mary's, of course." The first guy gets really excited, and says, "So did I, and tell me, did you graduate?" The other guy answers, let's see...I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down on us. I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up at the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St Mary's in 1964 me own self."
About this time, Coleen walks into the bar and sits down and orders a beer. Paddy, the bartender, walks over to Coleen, shaking his head, and mutters. "It's going to be a long night tonight." Coleen asks, "Why do you say that Paddy?" He rolls his eyes, "The Murphy twins are drunk again tonight."



04-11-06 - LITTLE KID

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''



04-09-06 - FOUR YEAR OLD BOYS

Two little four year old boys are in a city hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second little boy says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm really scared."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was three. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's really a breeze."
The second little boy then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid replies, "Wow. Good luck. I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for over a year."



04-08-06 - FOUR MEN

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call. The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual."
As the other three recoil in horror, he continues. "But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does - his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big portfolio of stock certificates."



04-07-06 - STOLEN CAR

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen.
They go to the police station to make a full report.
Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime.
To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert.
The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital.
Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late.
They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic.
And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"



04-06-06 - FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

It was the first day of school and a new student namedPedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"!
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?
Pedro: Dick Cheney 2006!



04-05-06 - GEORGIE

"The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the- the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world.
And we will find these people and bring them to justice."
Prez George Dubya
-Washington, D.C. : Oct. 28, 2003



04-04-06 - LIMP DUCK

A woman brought a very limp duck into a country veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so very sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He just might be in a coma, or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and the sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head, took it out and returned a few minutes later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat then sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and slowly strolled out of the room.
The vet said to the woman, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill and let out a gasp. $150!" she cried. $150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you had taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."



04-02-06 - TREE HUGGER

While walking through the Branscomb, California woods a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark naked, and he asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day..."



04-01-06 - TWO OLD LADIES

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, " Life is just too boring;
We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $ 5.00 bill.
The first fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause.
The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
" What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."



03-31-06 - TWO OLD LADIES

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, " Life is just too boring;
We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $ 5.00 bill.
The first fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause.
The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
" What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."



03-30-06 - JACK AND ANN

After a night of drinking, Jack crept into bed beside his wife Ann who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Jack, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom. I'm St. Peter."
Jack was stunned, "You mean I'm dead! That can't be! I have so much left to do. I haven't even had a chance to say goodbye to my family.
You've got to send me back right away."
St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch--we can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Jack was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later and he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad," replies Jack, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," replied Jack.
"Well just relax and let it happen."
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds an egg popped out.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him!
The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting, "Jack, wake up you drunken bastard! You're $H!tting all over the bed."



03-29-06 - GOLF

A man was playing golf on a course he hadn't played before and he became a bit confused as to where he was on the course. He saw a lady playing ahead of him so he walked over to her and explained his confusion and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
I'm on the 7th hole she said and as you are a hole behind me you must be on the 6th hole. He thanked her and carried on with his game.
On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
I'm on number 14 and your still a hole behind me so you are on the 13th hole she said.
After he finished his round he went to the clubhouse and saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He approached her and said "let me buy you a drink in appreciation of your help". They got talking and she asked him what he did, I'm in sales he said what do you do. Well I'm in sales too she said. He then asked her what she sold and she said "I'll tell you but you will probably laugh".
"No I won't he said, I promise not to laugh."
"Well if you must know I work for tampax"
With that he burst out laughing so he nearly fell off the bar stool.
"See", she said "I knew you'd laugh".
"Thats not what I'm laughing at" he said, "you see I'm a salesman for hemorroid cream, so I'm still a hole behind you."



03-28-06 - SUCCESSFUL RANCHER

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other was a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than a drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You've done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and still no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace, with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by the boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was directed and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and slipped them off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."



03-27-06 - LONE RANGER AND TONTO

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber then buffalo. Someone stole the tent."



03-26-06 - LIFE

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way. You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
Then you drink like a fish, party your ass off, and screw anything that moves - you've only got a few years left, so why not?!?
Then you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then you finish off as an orgasm!



03-24-06 - AFTERLIFE

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.!
After a long life, the husband was the first to go,
and true to his word he made contact,
"Connie....Connie. "
"Is that you, Joe?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
Oh, Joe you surely must be in heaven."
Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."



03-23-06 - TOP 9 THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT !

#9 During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of URINE.
#8 In a average day your hands will come into direct contact with 15 penises. (touching door handles etc.)
#7 An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
#6 In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects .......... while you slept.
#5 Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
#4 Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
#3 In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.
#2 At an average Wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.
AND THE # 1 "THING"
#1 Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples ANAL GASES !
HAVE A GREAT DAY !!!
P.S. WASH your damn hands !



03-22-06 - MONKEY AND LIZARD

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"
The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the river to get a drink.
The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side. Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the jungle.
He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.
The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"
The monkey looks down and says,
"Fuuuuuuuuuuuck........Dude! How much water did you drink



03-21-06 - FOOD COURT

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.
I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son........!"



03-20-06 - WALMART

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.



03-19-06 - POLICE

Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.



03-16-06 - SATURDAY MORNING

Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and heads down the road.
Coming out of his garage, rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage.
He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly goes in the house and slips back into bed.
Then he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "I know. Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”



03-15-06 - THREE TAMPONS

Three tampons are walking down the street what do they say?
Nothing cause their stuck up cunts



03-14-06 - ANNIE

It seems that Annie was born with a rather unusually large vagina and therefore has been unable to sustain any sort of long term relationships because even the most well endowed men soon lose interest because of her inability to satisfy them sexually.
So when a guy from the office whom she really likes asked her out, she decided to take desperate measures. On the way home she stops at the butcher and buys a lb. of fresh liver.
She gets ready for her big date and slides that lb. of liver into her box hoping that it will take up some of the slack, just in case the evening should turn out to be romantic.
Bill picks her up, they go out, dinner, dancing, cocktails, have the BEST time, and sure enough, end up back at her place, have some great sex and fall asleep in each others arms.
Annie wakes up the next morning and Bill is nowhere to be seen. She sighs and thinks, "Oh well, I gave it my best shot, I guess I'm doomed to end up an old maid."
She goes downstairs to make coffee and finds a note on the kitchen table.....
"Dear Annie, Thank you so much for last night! I had a really GREAT time, and I think you are WONDERFUL! Sorry I had to leave so early, but I'll call you later and I hope we can get together again REAL SOON! Love You, Bill
(P.S. Your cunt's in the sink) "



03-13-06 - THREE WOMEN

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH AND NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT ...I'M GETTING A FAX!!



03-12-06 - DISEASE CONTROL

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior. Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.



03-11-06 - ALASKA

A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down.
He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after.
He service man opened the hood of the automobile and after a while the repair man said " It looks like you've blown a seal ", the man replies "No, it's just frost on my moustache.



03-10-06 - HOMELY

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"
"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."



03-09-06 - SCHOOL TEACHER

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with his desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.
While he was sitting at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his necktie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the necktie as the level of unruliness in the classroom increased, verging on pandemonium.
Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward necktie, he stood up and took a large stapler off his desk and with a flourish, stapled the necktie to his chest in several places. Needless to say, discipline was not a problem from that day on.



03-08-06 - PINOCCHIO

One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. Later, as they were cuddling, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, 'What's the matter, baby?'
Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, 'You're probably the best guy I've ever met-- but every time we make love, you give me splinters.'
This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. As Pinocchio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto suggested that sandpaper might be able to 'smooth' out Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio's graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.
Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, 'So Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls'.
To which Pinocchio's replied, 'GIRLS? WHO NEEDS GIRLS???'



03-07-06 - SAN HONEST MAN

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.
"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian Fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally. .. I assumed you had stolen the car."
... priceless.



03-06-06 - SIX RETIRED IRISHMEN

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue standing until Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Ok, me lads," someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me" Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home" "Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife. "I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.



03-05-06 - LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.
"Does anyone know what this is?" She asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!"
"Two of them?!" the teacher asked.
"Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!"



03-03-06 - THREE HICKS

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.



03-02-06 - TWO BUMS

Two bums are sitting talking.
The first one starts bragging, "Today was the best day ever!
This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes just sitting on the ground.
So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every fucking one of them... had the best day ever."
The second bum just laughs, "That's nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks and I found this girl laying on the tracks.
You know what I did? I fucked her all day long."
The other bum interrupts, "Bull! You didn't do it all day long did you?", the other continues, "Well, no but it was for at least a few good hours, best day of my life."
The first bums asks, "So did she give you a good blowjob?"
The other replies no.
"How could you possibly be getting busy with this girl for hours, and she doesn't even give you a blow job?"
To which the other replies, "How could she? She didn't have a head!"



03-01-06 - DEATH BED

An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen.
With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.
There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies.
With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie.
His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"



02-27-06 - DARK IN HERE

woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy! "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like that ... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, your in my Closet now !



02-26-06 - THREE OLD MEN

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."



02-24-06 - HURRICANE

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!



02-23-06 - TWO FRIENDS

Two friends are sitting in one of their livingrooms having a discussion and it turns into a bit of an arguement. The wife of one of them walks by and her husband says "Honey what do you call that thing between the prick and the asshole." Without blinking an eye the wife answeres "The coffee table!"



02-23-06 - BREASTS

The breasts of a barmaid of Crale,
Were tattooed with the price of brown ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in braille



02-22-06 - HENRY LOCKETT

Did you hear about poor Henry Lockett
who was blown down the street by a rocket.
The force of the boom
blew his balls 'cross the room
And his pecker was found in his pocket



02-21-06 - FOX

A young Catholic layman named Fox
Makes his living by sucking off cocks.
In fits of depression,
He goes to confession,
And jacks off the priest in the box.



02-20-06 - TEXAS RAZORBACK HOGS

Texas Razorback Hogs
As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he is carrying a baby pig under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Ted Kennedy, and I got one for Senator John Kerry."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."



02-19-06 - ARMY PRIVATE

A young army private is home on leave. He is talking to his dad about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper.
"Dad" he says, "on my first jump, I froze up at the door on the plane. A big black sergent standing behind me told me that if I didn''t jump, he was gonna cram about 12 inches of dick up my ass."
"Well did you jump?" asks his dad.
"Just a little at first" answered the boy.



02-18-06 - Minnesota

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department that could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company made up mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer, sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old-timers frantically jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, they extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on tape, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Olson, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"



02-17-06 - Head waiter

The headwaiter of an elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in boots, torn jeans and a leather jacket approached him.
"Hey, man," he said, "where's the toilet?"
"Go down the hall and turn left," replied the headwaiter.
"When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen'; pay no attention to it and go right on in."



02-16-06 - Lorena Bobbitt's sister

Lorena Bobbit's sister was arrested, yesterday, for trying to do the same thing to her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.
The sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper leg causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
She is currently awaiting trial and has been charged with a 'misdeweiner'.



02-15-06 - Clean underwear

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.



02-14-06 - 50th Annivesrary

On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine pilot, and said: "Honey, do you remember this?" He looked up from his newspaper and said: "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to night?"
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asked.
He was not much in the mood for this, but, he sighed and responded,
"Well, honey, as I remember, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.' "
She giggled and said; "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission accomplished!"



02-12-06 - TWO STATUES

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."



02-11-06 - GENERAL

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."



02-10-06 - CHICKEN

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.



02-09-06 - IDIOT

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin Just Fine!"
And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over to your place after while?"
Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.
I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"



02-08-06 - 90th BIRTHDAY

A young man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state he lived in.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.
He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned Grandpa, "Are these plates clean?"
Grandpa replied, "Those plates are as clean as Palmolive can get them, so go on and finish your meal."
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like egg yolks.
So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather huffed, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as Palmolive can get them; now stop being so picky!"
Later that afternoon, the young man was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby restaurant.
As he was leaving, grandpa's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. He yelled back, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me out!"
So Grandpa shouted, "PALMOLIVE, get out of the way!"



02-07-06 - GAY CAPTAIN

Why was the gay captain thrown out of the army?
For playing with his privates!



02-06-06 - PEDRO AND MARIA

Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a "man about town" so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.
Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack.
When Pedro was undressing Maria said, "Oh Pedro, what is that?"
Pedro being very quick thinking said, "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these."And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.
The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.
"Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world which one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too."
Thinking fast, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those."
Maria being very naive accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night.
Pedro went off to work, again, the next morning; and, when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch Pedro said, "Maria, what is the matter now?"
"Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!"--



02-05-06 - 3 DAUGHTERS

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period.
Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe."
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges."
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size."
She was again slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing.
Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways."
Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline.
The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.



02-04-06 - WAITING ROOM

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The Waiting Room erupted in laughter



02-03-06 - A COUPLE DRIVING

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and either of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."



02-02-06 - NEW ZEALAND

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.



02-01-06 - NEW ZEALAND

A man walked into the produce section of his local Coles supermarket,and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old b****rd wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added,"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."
"Really," replied the manager? "My wife is from New Zealand!"
"Really??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"



01-31-06 - A LAWYER

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign .."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"



01-30-06 - ONE DOLLAR

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar.
He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.
He arrives and plays a round of golf.
It cost him a buck.
When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck.
His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Golf: $1.00.
Dinner: $1.00.
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00
Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"
I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure.
That's what our golf balls cost."
"Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room.
At least I would've known what I was paying for!"
"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager.
"Over there they get you by the room.
Over here we get you by the balls!



01-29-06 - UNEMPLOYED

An unemployed man went to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor.
The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test.
After the test, the manager said, "You will be employed as a janitor at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour.
Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed by Microsoft."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he buys a 25 LB flat of tomatoes at the supermarket.
In less than two hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.
Thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes.
Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.
After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support this expanding business.
By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned.
"What, you don't have e-mail?
How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"
"Well," replied the tomato millionaire, "I would be a janitor at Microsoft!"



01-28-06 - NAME UR PENIS

Q: Why do men name their penis?
A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.



01-27-06 - LOW BRIDGE AHEAD

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."



01-26-06 - STONED WITH HIS CRONIES

Then there was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies.
But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her "ladies" in for bridge etc.
This one night she didnt want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just dont come in and make another scene.
Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home.
"You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed" she told him.
"Oh, relax,"says he, "I'll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I'll be gone."
"Just keep your mouth shut," says she again.
When she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone.
She 'flipped' and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said,"Wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story."
"I came in here, sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on.
One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, 'Who is going to hold their little legs while you do it?' "



01-25-06 - HOMELESS MAN

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."



01-24-06 - DRIVER

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing was moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. the driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Paul Martin, Stephen Harper, Jack Layton and Gilles Duceppe.
They are asking for a $10 million ransom, otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much on average is everyone giving?"
The man replies, "About a gallon."



01-23-06 - WEALTHY OLD LADY

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost.
Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a lookof terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story..
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!




01-22-06 - THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.
Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.
Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door.
Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.
Please, go away and leave me alone." A couple days later, the wife and daughter came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room.
They entered that area and observed the husband/father sitting on the couch, staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."



01-21-06 - PRINCESS AND THE FROG

Once upon a time, in a land faraway, a beautiful, independent, self- assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, do all the chores, bear my children, wait on me and forever and feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauted frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't fucking think so."



01-20-06 - MY ELBOY REALLY HURTS

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo
. 5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better



01-19-06 - FARM WIFE

An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.



01-18-06 - JEWISH WOMAN

The children and grand children of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send grandma on a cruise. Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser.
He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D."
She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.?
He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck."
She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said, I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C."
Grandma replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?"
The purser said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin."
Grandma, needless to say, was delighted. She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy and he said,"Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B."
"B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked grandma.
The cabin boy answered, "B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed."
"Oh" she said; Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful."
Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed and she said, "F.U.C.K"
Shocked, they said, "F.U.C.K? What do you mean F.U.C.K.?", to which she replied, "Yes, F.U.C.K.
Foist U Could Knock



01-17-06 - WAL MART

Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item... Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.
The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E &J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine", said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She added, "But the right name is important."
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum), or red meat (Squirrel).



01-16-06 - HOME EARLY

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!
"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"
The husband, replies "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened!"
"Hmm, I don't know, well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you dirtball!"
The husband begins to tell his story:
"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw she was so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that at she had not eaten for three days. With great compassion I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing practically devoured them.
"Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I 'don't have good taste'.
"I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister, and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."
She starts to warm up -- just a little -- and he continues:
"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:
"'Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?'"



01-15-06 - JACK AND JILL

Jack and Jill went up da hill,
Each with a dollar and a quarter,
Jill came down with two dollars fifty,
Da dirty hoe.



01-14-06 - FLYING

I was "flying" down the road the other (10 miles over the limit), I passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded, smart ass that I am.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.
I slowly work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face............... PRICELESS



01-13-06 - WOMAN'S WATCH

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.



01-12-06 - WOMAN'S WATCH

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.



01-11-06 - PAY $10

A Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK." The bartender says. "Here's what you need to do: First:
You have to drink that entire fifth of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second: There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third: There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a fifth of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the fifth with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then....silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"



01-10-06 - ALASKA

A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down.
He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after.
He service man opened the hood of the automobile and after a while the repair man said " It looks like you've blown a seal "
, the man replies "No, it's just frost on my moustache.



01-09-06 - ONE LINER

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?



01-08-06 - OK BOYS

A great dane, a scotty, and a chihuahua were sitting in a bar, knocking back a few, when a beautiful bitch walked in.
"Okay, boys," she purred. "I'll make a very happy dog out of whoever can come up with the best proposition, using the words 'cheese' and 'liver'."
The great dane thought a moment, then stated: "I don't like cheese, but I sure like liver, and I like you, too!" He panted and wagged his tail.
The lady just looked away.
The scotty immediately said "I like cheese, and I like liver, AND I like you!" and wagged his tail expectantly.
She ignored him.
Then the chihuahua growled "Liver alone! Cheese with me."
They left together.



01-07-06 - GAY GUY

Did you hear about the gay guy taking a piss....
He looked at the other guy to his right and saw a nicotine patch on his cock.
He asked "does it work"?
Yep, replied the guy, I'm down to two butts a day.



01-06-06 - A POLAR BEAR

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender:
"I'll have a brandy........................................... .............................................................. .............................................................. .............................................................. .............................................................. .............................................................. ..........and coke."
The bartender asks: "What's with the big pause?"
The bear responds: "I dunno. I've always had them."



01-05-06 - ZIMBABWEAN

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.
Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.
He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.



01-04-06 - ZIMBABWEAN

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.
Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.
He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.



01-03-06 - TWO GAY MEN

Two gay men were visiting a zoo one afternoon. They were walking around the exhibits when they noticed a large crowd gathered around the gorilla enclosure. They pushed their way to the front and saw a large male gorilla sitting behind the bars watching the crowd. "What a magnificent animal," said the first gay man, and leaned forward to get a better look. "I wonder if he's that big all over." He craned his neck and stuck his head close to the bars. His friend shouted a warning, but it was too late. In a flash, the gorilla lunged forward and grabbed the man and pulled him through the bars. The crowd watched in disbelief as the gorilla tore the clothes off the hapless man. When he was entirely naked, the gorilla spread the man's legs and bent over him. The terrified screams subsided to low moans. Once, twice, three times, the gorilla returned to the naked man and repeated the act as the crowd watched in horror. Finally, the gorilla picked up the naked man and tossed him back over the fence. He was placed on a stretcher and rushed to the nearest hospital. A couple days later, his friend went to visit him. He walked into the darkened hospital room and pulled a chair up to the bedside. "We all saw what happened. Are you hurt?" he asked. His friend turned his tear-stained face toward him. "What do you think?", he replied, "Of course I"m hurt.... no flowers.....no calls.....not even a card!"



01-02-06 - DON'T LOSE YOUR GRANDKIDS

Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall!
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."



01-01-06 - MARINE SQUAD

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was that heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunken murderer.
So I yelled that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!", and he retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!"
"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."



12-31-05 - BARBIE

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson annoyingly answers :
"Sir...Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car,
Ken's House,
Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer and...
One of Ken's Friends.



12-30-05 - MONDAY MORNING

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times...."



12-29-05 - BLIND MAN

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.



12-28-05 - HEIGHT OF CONCEIT

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.



12-27-05 - WHY DO WOMEN?

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.



12-26-05 - TUPPERWARE AND A WALRUS

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.



12-24-05 - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.



12-23-05 - MIXED FEELINGS

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.



12-22-05 - GENDER

"EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER "
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are hit, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's that hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!



12-21-05 - TIGGER

Q: Why doesn't Tigger have any friends?
A: He plays with Pooh



12-20-05 - THREE WISE MEN

Three Wise men were going to heaven, but before that, they each had to answer a question from God.
The first Wise Man came up and God asked him, "Who was the first man on earth?" He answered Adam and was let in.
The second Wise Man came up and God asked him, "Who was the first women on earth?" He answered Eve and was let in.
The thrid Wise Man came up and God asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" He thought for a moment, "Hmm, that's a hard one..." And God said, you may be let into Heaven.



12-19-05 - MARRIED 20 YEARS

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device...a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."



12-18-05 - TOP TEN LIST

Top Ten Signs You're A Gay Cowboy
10. "Your saddle is Versace"
9. "Instead of 'Home On The Range', you sing 'It's Raining Men'"
8. "You enjoy ridin', ropin', and redecoratin'"
7. "Sold your livestock to buy tickets to 'Mamma Mia'"
6. "After watching reruns of 'Gunsmoke', you have to take a cold shower" 5. "Native Americans refer to you as 'Dances With Men'"
4. "You've been lassoed more times than most steers"
3. "You're wearing chaps, yet your 'ranch' is in Chelsea"
2. "Instead of a saloon you prefer a salon"
1. "You love riding, but you don't have a horse"



12-17-05 - A TRUCKER AND A BLONDE

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Tayler and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Taylor, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Taylor, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Ottawa and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK."



12-16-05 - BEST AD

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work; wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....
Please scroll down












Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.



12-15-05 - IN PRISON

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.



12-14-05 - JOINING THE ARMY

After joining the Army, because he was previously a used car salesman Billy-Bob's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the G.I. insurance.
Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Billy-Bob was getting a 99% signup for the top G.I. insurance policy. This was odd, since it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for the extra coverage.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Billy-Bob about his selling techniques but would sit in the back of the room and observe his sales pitch.
Billy-Bob stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If'n y'all have normal G.I. insurance and go to Iraq and get killed, the government pays your Mama or your wife $6,000, right?"
The men murmured in agreement. "Now," he continued, "if'n y'all take out the supplemental G.I. insurance, which cost you only $30.00 a month, the government has to pay your Mama or your wife $200,000. See?"
The men nodded.
"OK," Billy-Bob concluded: "which bunch you think they gonna send to the most dangerous areas in Iraq first?"



12-13-05 - IS THAT RIGHT?

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her...
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle."
"Oh, dear? Is that right?" the wife says, not looking up from her book.
"Yep," he says. "If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug."
So his wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.



12-12-05 - TOUGH LESBIANS

How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.



12-11-05 - HOW MANY MEMBERS?

Q. How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten:
One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;
One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness;
One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;
One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner 'Bulb Accomplished';
One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally 'in the dark' the whole time;
One to viciously smear the former insider;
One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;
And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.



12-10-05 - THE RABBI

The Rabbi explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims, "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"
More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I vill give him sex!" There is total silence.
The Rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?" Sadie's 90 year old husband, Jacob, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Vell, I just asked mein husband how ve could help, and he said, "Fuck the Rabbi!"



12-09-05 - TWO BLONDE GIRLS

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other,then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest,one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick." !



12-08-05 - SENIOR CITIZENS GROUP

A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Burlington, IA, to Branson, MO.
As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, "I've just been molested!"
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.
"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it..., it runs away...!!"



12-07-05 - BUFFALO COMING

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day. The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming.
After a few seconds he rose and said "Buffaloe come."
The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed "Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffaloes coming?" Tonto replied, "Face sticky."



12-06-05 - A RESTAURANT ON THE MOON

A man from Cornerbrook, driving a Volkswagen Beetle in Toronto, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.
Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?" the Newf says.
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the Newf.
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I does too! See? It's right here!" brags the guy from the Rock.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got me double bed right in back here," the Newf replies.
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Newfoundland Labrador plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road,so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remembers you," replies the Newfoundlander, "What's up?"
"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
The Newf exclaims, " JEEZ BYE, YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"



12-05-05 - A RESTAURANT ON THE MOON

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
Great food but no atmosphere.



12-04-05 - A RUSHING WOMAN

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.
She headed for the express line where the cashier, Little Johnny, was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
Little Johnny turns, stares at her for a second, looks her up and down, smiles and says, "Not bad."



12-03-05 - A DOCTOR AND A NURSE

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.



12-02-05 - AN IRISHMAN

An Irishman was in the South of France and could not understand why Pierre had attracted so many girls on the beach and he had attracted no one. So he asked Pierre, "How do you manage to attract all the girls and I attract no one?" Pierre said, "Take a potato and tuck it in your swimming costume, it drives the women wild." The Irishman stuffed a potato in his costume and paraded up and down the beach. After a great many hours, however, he still failed to arouse a woman. The Irishman went to see Pierre again and said, "I've tried it Pierre, it doesn't work!" Pierre took one look at the Irishman and said, "You might try putting the potato in the front of your bathing suit!"



12-01-05 - MOMMY MOMMY

Son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgers for supper!
Mom: Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.



11-30-05 - SOUTHERN CALIFORNIANS

How many Southern Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb.
None. They screw in hot tubs.



11-29-05 - WHAT DID THE EGG SAY?

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."



11-28-05 - ROSES ARE RED

Roses are red,
Pickles are green,
I like your legs,
and whats in between.



11-27-05 - MUST BE TOUGH

Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth."
Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."



b>11-26-05 - A BRITISH GENERAL

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.
Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office.
"Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.
What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given 2 pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"
Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!"
General: "Very good, son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"
Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"
General: "Even better, son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"
Soldier 3: "The tip of me dick to me balls, sahr!"
General: "That's a strange request, but drop your trousers, son!
As the general begins the measurement: "My god, son, where are your balls?"
Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"



11-25-05 - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

Q: What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead woodchuck?
A: You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.



11-24-05 - LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny's in a checkout line standing right behind a man who's purchasing toilet paper, soap, a toothbrush, a TV dinner, a can of soda and a bag of chips. Little Johnny asks the man, "Are you single?"
"Yeah," the man replied in a real sarcastic tone, "how did you ever guess?"
Little Johnny said, "Because you're ugly!"



11-23-05 - BLONDE

Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.



11-22-05 - HALF DRUNK THUG

A huge half-drunk thug walks into a bar and shouts "You all on the left side of the bar are cocksuckers and you all on the right side are motherfuckers!!!" Suddenly a man ran from the right to the left side of the bar. "Where are you going, squirt?" the big man asked. "I was on the wrong side of the bar, sir!"



11-21-05 - CANADIAN DOLLARS

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line... just one guy in front of me... an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.
He asked the teller, "why it change? yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller says, "fluctuations".
The Asian guy says, "fluc you white guys too!"



11-20-05 - SHY GUY

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"



11-18-05 - PETER MET SHARON

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"
Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."



11-17-05 - PARKED

A guy and a girl are parked, and they're making out. Just as things are really getting hot, she stops him and says, "I should have said something sooner, but I'm a hooker and I charge twenty dollars for sex."
The guy pays her and they get back to business. After they finish, the guy sits back in the driver's seat and stares out the window.
The girl says, "Why aren't we going anywhere?"
He says, "I should have said something sooner, but I'm a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is twenty-five bucks."



11-16-05 - FIVE SURGEONS

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Polliticians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.



11-15-05 - MOMMY MOMMY

What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Roll them up into a tire and call it a Good Year.



11-13-05 - MOMMY MOMMY

Son: Mommy..Mommy, I'm tired of going around in circles.
Mom: Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.



11-12-05 - MEAN PEOPLE

Mean people suck , but nice people swallow. Which one are you?




11-12-05 - MEN AND LINOLEUM

Q: What do men and linoleum have in common?
A: Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life.




11-11-05 - LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny walked into the doctor's office for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty blonde receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," Little Johnny stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."




11-10-05 - MILK

Hi! My name's Milk, and I'll do your body good.




11-09-05 - SHUT UP

Son: Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy running away?
Mom: Shut up, and help me reload the shotgun!




11-08-05 - PICKLES

Son: Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?
Mom: Shut up and get back in the barrel!




11-07-05 - MOMMY MOMMY

Mommy, mommy, I hate daddy's guts.
Shut up and keep eating.




11-06-05 - HI WE'RE HOOKERS

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing " What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.
You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. "Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"




11-05-05 - MOMMY MOMMY

Son: Mommy, Mommy, why do other kids tell me I have a big head?
Mom: Don't worry about them. Now take your cap and go get me 40 lbs of potatoes at the store.




11-03-05 - ON A FARM

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her - how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. Little Johnny then decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.
"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." Little Johnny replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then Little Johnny asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"




11-02-05 - BIRDS AND BEES

A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Promise me you won't tell me!"
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'there's no Santa speech'. At seven, I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech'. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy speech'. Now if you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."




11-01-05 - A GROUP OF TERRORISTS

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers.
They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.




10-31-05 - WHAT DID THE CHICKEN

What did the chicken say when it say scrambled eggs?
"Look at those mixed up kids!"




10-30-05 - FLY IN MY SOUP

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" "Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread. "




10-29-05 - LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?" "An orgy," Johnny answered.




10-28-05 - FORMER PORN ACTOR

Q: Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?
A: Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.




10-27-05 - CAN I?

I lost my virginity... Can I have yours?




10-26-05 - TAP DANCER

Q: What happened to the blonde that was tap dancing?
A: She fell in the sink.




10-25-05 - A MAN LOUNGING

A man was lounging in the summer on his recliner in the summer watching his TV. The umbrella on the table was up to keep him in the shade. He was drinking a beer and eating from several snack dishes. His wife was mowing the lawn. From time-to-time she came over to adjust the umbrella so the man stayed in the shade. She also checked to see if his beer was empty and got another from the cooler and opened it. If the cooler looked like it was empty, she ran into the house and got more beer and ice for the cooler. She also checked to make sure he had plenty of snacks on the table and ran into the house for more if he ran out of anything. All the man did was sit there, watch TV, drink his beer, eat his snacks, and switch channels to different sporting events. When his wife finished with mowing the yard, she started trimming the shrubs and trees. Then she edged all of the sidewalks, all the time keeping her eye on her husband and making sure hat he always had a cold beer on the table, his beer cooler was full, he had plenty of snacks, and he was always in the shade. Finally, his neighbor, who had been watching the whole affair, had seen enough. He came over to the man in and said. “You really are an asshole. Your wife has worked her fingers to the bone mowing the lawn, trimming the shrubs and trees and edging all of the sidewalks while she waits on you hand and foot by keeping you in the shade and keeping your cooler full, keeping a cold beer and snacks on your table. You ought to be hung.” The man smiled, looked up at the neighbor and said, “I am.”




10-24-05 - LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny was at school and his teacher was teaching about the 4 basic food groups. Johnny asks "What food group does light bulbs fall into". His teacher replies, "Light bulbs are not edible and they don't fall into any food group". Little Johnny insists that light bulbs are food because his Dad eats light bulbs. The teacher tries to get Little johnny to drop the subject, but he just would not let it go. He said "I know that light bulbs are edible because I heard my Dad tell my Mom that if she would turn off the light, he would eat it!"




10-23-05 - FROSTY

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snow blower coming.




10-22-05 - UGLY MAN

One night, while tending bar, the bartender notices this hideous looking fella at the far end of the bar with several hot women around him. Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks down to where the ugly man is. The bartender says "Please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've ever seen. In fact, you're quite ugly. Now, normally, I would think these ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the way you're dressed and the fact that they are buying you drinks, it's not the money. Tell me, sir, what is it about you that these women are so crazy about?" The man paused a moment, licked his eyebrows, and said "I haven't the foggiest idea."




10-13-05 - WHAT'S THE DIFFERERCE?

Q: What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.




10-12-05 - LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny had a knack for catching fish. Every weekend Little Johnny went fishing and returned with dozens of fish. No one knew how he did it. When other fisherman were unable to land more than three or four, Little Johnny always came back with stringer after stringer of freshly caught fish. Curious, the fish and game warden decided to investigate. He followed Little Johnny out to the lake, and when he launched his boat at the dock, the warden asked if he could ride along and observe. "Sure," said Little Johnny. "Hop in." Little Johnny started up his outboard motor. When they arrived at an obscure reach of the lake, Little Johnny stopped the boat. The warden sat back and watched. Reaching into a box, Little Johnny pulled out a stick of dynamite, lit it and tossed it into the water. After the explosion dead fish soon started rising to the surface. Little Johnny took out a net and started scooping them up. "Wait a minute!" said the warden. "What do you think you're doing? You can't do that! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You'll be paying every fine in the book! You'll never fish again!" Little Johnny calmly put down his net, picked up a second stick of dynamite, lit it and tossed it in the warden's lap. "So are you gonna sit there criticizing me all day," he asked the panicked warden, "or are you gonna fish?"




b>10-11-05 - LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch. When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea. So the two women sipped their tea happily while having lunch and chit-chatted. Afterwards, when her friend had left, Little Johnny's mother talked to him.. "Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" his mother asked. "Ma, I couldn't find it, so I used the fly swatter." replied Johnny. His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added, "Don't get excited, ma, I used the old one!"




b>10-10-05 - TERRIBLE ACCIDENT

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."




b>10-09-05 - BABY ON BOARD

I've got one of those baby on board signs, but then it flew out the window.
I guess I won't be needing that sign again




b>10-08-05 - WAITER

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
"Don't worry, sir, the spider on the breadroll will get 'em. "




b>10-07-05 - A CAT AND AN OSTRICH

A guy walks into a bar. With him is a cat and an ostrich. The man says "Get me a Budweiser." The ostrich says "May I have an orange juice?" The bartender nods. Then the cat says: "I'll have a shot of Vodka, but I'm notpaying." They finish their drinks and leave. The next night, the man walks in with the cat and the ostrich again. The man orders a Bud, the ostrich orders orange juice, and the cat has vodka, but insists on not paying. The third night that this happens, the bartender is pretty curious. He walks over to the man and says "Tell me, why do you come here everyday with a cat and an ostrich?" The man looks around and says "Well, I was walking home from the bar four nights ago, and I took a short cut through an alley. I found this old lamp, and it had a genie in it. He said 'Son, this is your lucky day. I'm going to grant you one wish' and I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."




b>10-06-05 - ENERGIZER BUNNY

Q: What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards? A: He keeps coming and coming and coming...




b>10-05-05 - TWO FLIES

Two flies walk into a bar, order drinks and start talking. The first fly: "How was your travel down here?" The second fly: "It was cold I rode in a bikers mustache. How was yours?" The first fly: "I was warm I rode in a biker chicks' pussy. You ought to do it next year." So a year passes and the same two flies met in the same bar. The first fly: "Did you do it?" The second fly: "Yes, but some how I still showed up in a biker's mustache."




b>10-04-05 - MANNHEIM

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got on he said to the ticket man, "Sir, I really need you to do me a favor - I have to get off this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and I know I'll fall asleep. So what I want you to do is wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business deal there and it's very important for me. Here's 100 francs for this favor. But I must warn you that sometimes when people wake me up I get violently angry, but no matter what I do or say you got to get me off this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?" So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later the man fell asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at him, "Are you FUCKING STUPID or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn't!! I want my money back you BASTARD!" While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, Little Johnny and his mom were watching them and Little Johnny says to her, "Boy, that guy is really pissed off!" "Yeah, almost as mad as the guy they made get off the train in Mannheim!"




b>10-03-05 - HOW MANY COPS?

Q: How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs?
A: None. He fell.




10-02-05 - WORST DAY OF MY LIFE

There was a guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stayed like that for half an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up next to him, took the drink from the guy, and drank it all down. The poor man started crying. Truck driver: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." Guy: "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I was late getting to my office. My boss was outrageous, and fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and when I left it, I remembered I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drove away. When I got home, I found my wife in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."




10-01-05 - 10 SPEED BIKE

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."




09-30-05 - BACKWOODS HILLBILLIES

There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence. He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"




09-28-05 - TEN SECOND RELAY

Guy gets ready to make his first ten-second delay. His jumpmaster sees he's nervous and says, "Don't worry. Just get out there, arch, count to ten, and pull your main ripcord. If there's a problem with the main, you know you have a reserve. When you land, the truck will pick you up and take you back to the loft." So the guy exits, arches and pulls. Nothing happens. He reefs on his reserve ripcord. Dirty laundry comes out of the reserve container. He's falling faster, close to terminal, and he looks at the ground and says, "Great. I bet the f***ing truck won't be there, either."




09-27-05 - HONEYMOON

A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that. " "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She says. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole !"




09-26-05 - VILLAGE BLACKSMITH

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours.
The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.




09-25-05 - DEAF MUTE

A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms.
He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.
Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."




09-24-05 - LEGS

Hey, baby, the word of the day is "Legs" so lets go to my house and spread the word.




09-22-05 - BLONDE TAP DANCING

Q: What happened to the blonde that was tap dancing?
A: She fell in the sink.




09-21-05 - PEPSI

An airplane full of Pepsi was flying over an African country. It suddenly developed engine trouble and crashed in the dense jungle. A few weeks later the Pepsi Cola company sent a rescue plane out to look for the plane. They found the wreckage, but were unable to spot any of the crew. They searched the area and found a tribe of primitive cannibals. They walked up to the Chief and asked him if he knew anything about the missing plane. The Chief grunted "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied "We ate the crew and we drank the Pepsi." The rescue crew was visible shocked. One of the crew asked "Did you eat their legs?" The Chief replied "We ate their legs and we drank the Pepsi." Another member of the crew asked "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi." After a minute or so a third crew member asked "Did you..you know...eat their...things?"The Chief says "No." "No?" shouted the rescuers. "No," stated the Chief. "Things go better with Coke."




09-20-05 - MARRIED 2 WEEKS

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... you know...they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence! , because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs-in-a-blanket, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?... "LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER, IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FRICKING HORS D'OEUVRES, BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A FRICKING BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER.......GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
......and, they lived happily ever after.




09-14-05 - RESTROOM

A teacher has to use the restroom real bad so he goes into the student's restroom.
Little Johnny follows him in, pulls out a Snickers candy bar from his lunch bag and takes the stall next to him.
Then he squishes the Snickers bar in his hand, reaches under the stall wall and says, "You got any more toilet paper over there? This side's completely out."




09-13-05 - FLY IN MY SOUP

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
"Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread. "




09-12-05 - LIFE AFTER DEATH

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his younger employees.
"Yes, Sir."
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "About an hour after you left yesterday to go to your grandfather's funeral, he stopped in to see you."




09-11-05 - BLOND PLAYING HOCKEY

Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.




09-10-05 - LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny goes on his first date. "How did it go?" his mom asked. "Great. I gave her an Australian kiss goodnight."
"What's an Australian kiss?"
"It's like a French kiss, but down under."




09-09-05 - BARBIE

Q: Why did Barbi get thrown out of the toy box?
A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and moaning, "Lie to me!"




09-08-05 - MEN AND LINOLEUM

Q: What do men and linoleum have in common?
A: Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life.




09-07-05 - THE FUZZ?

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by "the fuzz"?
A: "No. But I've been swung around by the tits."




09-06-05 - IT'S A CONDOM

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette.
It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse,took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom.."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.
When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.
The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!"




09-05-05 - ALCOHOL

Q: Why did The Lord create alcohol?
A: So ugly people have a chance to have sex.




09-04-05 - LORD NELSON

Lord Nelson was on his way out to sea when he was approached by a pirate ship, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!
"Lord Nelson, Lord Nelson, what do we do?" asked the first mate.
"First mate," said the Lord Nelson, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest and bring me my red shirt."
The first mate did so, and, wearing his bright red shirt, the Lord Nelson exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.
The next day, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops!
"Lord Nelson, Lord Nelson, what should we do?"
"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the Lord Nelson the secret of his bright red shirt.
"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show and the crew continues to fight without fear."
More days passed and they were nearing the Spanish coast, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the Spanish Armada were approaching!
"Lord Nelson, Lord Nelson, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker. Pale with fear, the Lord Nelson commanded "FIRST MATE.... BRING ME MY BROWN PANTS!"




09-03-05 - GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied, "the good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed, "what's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."




09-02-05 - YOU GOTTA BE SHITTING ME!

Have you ever wondered where the phrase, "You gotta be shittin' me!" came from?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our Country Way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 [remember this number] in Washington's boat.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters [remember this name] and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.
He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
\ Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.
Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail.
All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted.
He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort."
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"
Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."
And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me"




09-01-05 - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

Q: What is the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull humping your leg?
A: You let the pit bull finish.




08-31-05 - THE RIGHT OF WAY

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."




08-30-05 - THE JUDGE

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000.
And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check.
He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."




08-29-05 - LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny's in a checkout line standing right behind a man who's purchasing toilet paper, soap, a toothbrush, a TV dinner, a can of soda and a bag of chips.
Little Johnny asks the man, "Are you single?"
"Yeah," the man replied in a real sarcastic tone, "how did you ever guess?"
Little Johnny said, "Because you're ugly!"




08-28-05 - FIFTY DOLLARS?

One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday.
After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost.
The owner replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see what reel you have.
If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and be of more help."
So she did just that. After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said, "That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00."
The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she laid a stinky, sqeaky fart.
The owner rang up the sale and said, "That'll be fifty dollars."
"Fifty dollars?!?!" the woman exclaimed. "You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!"
"Yes, I did", said the owner, "But that was for the reel. The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50."




08-27-05 - NAME YOUR LEGS

Could I name your legs?
The right leg will be Christmas and the left leg will be called Thanksgiving.
Now can I come and visit you between holidays?




08-26-05 - SITTING IN A BAR

A few people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."
Another guy says, "What's that?" The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."
Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.
A girl asks, "What's that?"
He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."
A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."
Larry says, "A wife? What's a wife?"
She says, "That means, 'Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."




08-25-05 - BLONDE

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".




08-24-05 - BOOPEY BOO

Little Johnny's sitting on his bed and says to his his girlfriend standing in the doorway, "My little boopey-boo - I'm so lonely."
So she crosses the room over to Little Johnny.
On the way she trips on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
Little Johnny, with a concerned look on his face, says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey- wosey?"
She gets up, gets into Little Johnny's bed and the two have passionate sex.
Afterwards the girl rolls out and crosses the room over to the bathroom.
On the way she catches her foot on the carpet and once again falls flat on her face.
Little Johnny mutters under his breath, "Clumsy bitch."




08-23-05 - A FLY IN MY SOUP!

Little Johnny's Mom takes him to the doctor for an appointment.
As she's checking in, the doctor says to her, "I'll need a urine sample."
Little Johnny pipes up, "What does he want?"
His Mom replies, "He wants you to leave your underpants here."




08-22-05 - A FLY IN MY SOUP!

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
"Don't worry, sir, the spider on the breadroll will get 'em. "



08-21-05 - GAGGLE OF CARS

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.
However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added "Ever catch all the fish?"



08-20-05 - TEN YEAR OLD JOHNNY

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play." Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"



08-19-05 - WHAT DO YOU CALL?

What do you call 200 lesbians and 200 politicians in a room?
400 people that dont do dick.



08-18-05 - WHY DOES A DOG..

Q: Why does a dog lick his balls?
A: Because he can.



08-17-05 - NECROPHELIAC

Hi, I'm a necropheliac, so how good are you at playing dead?



08-15-05 - FILE TAXES

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work.
That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute.".
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?".
"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."



08-14-05 - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

Q: What's the difference between a hog and a man?
A: A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can fuck some pig.



08-13-05 - HOW MANY WOMEN?

How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Who cares, let her work in the dark.



08-12-05 - THREE FIREFIGHTERS

Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip.
There was a rookie, a captain and a chief.
The weather was misrable and they hadn't seen any deer all day.
They came across an old shack where they went inside to play a game of poker.
After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down his cards and said "That does it! I am going out to get me a deer."
Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck.
The captain and chief asked "How did you get that?"
The rookie replied, "I walked out fifty feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck".
The captain then said "I've had enough of this, I am going to get my deer."
He came back a half hour later with a 6-point buck.
The chief asked "How did you get that?"
The captain replied "I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck."
The chief not wanting to be out done said "I am out of here, I am going to bag the biggest buck of the day."
He came back an hour later, all mangled up and bloody.
The rookie and captain asked "What happened to you?"
The chief replied "I walked out there five hundred feet, followed some tracks and got hit by a train."



08-11-05 - SEXUAL HARRASSMENT?

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to Human Resources.
Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.
The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks,"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."



08-09-05 - FERRARI

A young man goes to buy the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GT. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya'got there sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
Becausethis car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" he states proudly. The old moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly Whoosh! something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, unbelievably the old man is still alive! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers... "UNHOOK...MY...SUSPENDERS...FROM...YOUR...SIDE VIEW....MIRROR!"



08-08-05 - BECKY AND JAKE

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. "Jake" she said.
"Hush, " he quickly interrupted, "don 't talk. "
But she insisted, " Jake, " she said in her tired voice, " I have to talk. I must confess."
" There is nothing to confess" said the weeping Jake, "It' s all right. Everything' s all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you. "
Jake stroked her hand. " Now, Becky, don' t be concern, I know all about it'" , he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?? "



08-07-05 - HELGA

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today" she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer." "Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked. Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur pecker?"



08-06-05 - I WANT A WATCH

Little Johnny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch.
Obviously his best friend little Benny wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: "I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parents bedroom.
I walked in and saw the bouncing up and down.
Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn't tell the family.
I asked for a new watch and here it is."
Benny decides he wants one too, so night after night he listens outside his parents bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually he hears some banging and groaning from the other side of the door.
He walks in and catches his parents in the act, so his dad offers him anything he wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Benny immediately says "I want a watch.". The dad sighs and says: "Alright but go and stand in the corner and don't make a noise."
A guy walks into a bar where there is loud music playing. He spots a pretty girl at the end of the bar and approaches her.




08-05-05 - DANCE?

Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I really don't like this song. And even if I did I wouldn't dance with you."
Guy replies: "I don't think you heard me correctly. I said you look fat in those pants."



08-04-05 - SOUTHERNERS

How many southerners does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change it and four to talk about how good the old one was.



08-03-05 - RADAR TRAP AHEAD

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for catching speeders.
But one day, everyone was under the speed limit.
The officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said: "RADAR TRAP AHEAD"
A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice...
Little Johnny, about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading: "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet... full of change.



08-02-05 - I MAKE BETS

A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money.
She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!"
The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"



08-01-05 - A CATHOLIC PRIEST AND A NUN

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.
He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."
The good Sister told him to watch his language.
On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."
On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."
A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice .......
"Shit, I missed."



07-31-05 - DENTIST'S OFFICE

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office.
The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled.
I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry.
Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."



07-30-05 - A FREE ROUND OF DRINKS

A man walks into a bar and orders a round of drinks for the house, a shot for himself and a shot for the bartender.
After everyone takes their drink the bartender turns to the man and says "That'll be $89.
"The man looks at the bartender and says "Sorry I don't have any money."
The bartender then proceeds to kick the shit out of the man and throw him out.
The next day same man comes walking into the bar.
He then proceeds to order a round of drinks for the house, a shot for himself and a shot for the bartender.
After everyone finishes their drink the bartender says "That'll be $96."
Man says "Sorry, but I don't have any money."
The bartender again proceeds to kick his ass and throw him out.
The next day again the same man comes walking into the bar.
The bartender thinks to himself "He can't be that stupid he has to have brought money!"
The guy sits down and orders a round of drinks for the house and a shot for himself.
The bartender asks "What about my shot?"
The man looks at him and replies "Sorry, but you get too violent when you drink!"



07-29-05 - A FLY BUZZING

A fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure.
Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat.
He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away.
He had eaten too much though and could not get off the ground.
As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall.
He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor.
The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.



07-28-05 - PUNK ROCKERS

How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to eat the old one.



07-27-05 - PENGUIN

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down.
He waddled to the nearest phone to call the AA.
His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car.
The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket.
He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks.
After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons.
Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream.
The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying "It looks like you blew a seal."
Blushing, the penguin said "Oh, no! It's just ice cream."



07-26-05 - LITTLE JOHNNY

"Mommy," Little Johnny asked, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"
"No, dear," she replied. "Sometimes they start with 'Darling, I'll be working late at the office tonight...' "



07-25-05 - BLOND AND A TERRORIST

What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.



07-24-05 - HAVE I SEEN YOUR FACE?

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"



07-23-05 - A COWBOY AND A RANCHER

A Cowboy said to a Rancher, "Is that your dog?" The Rancher replied, "Yup." "Mind if I talk to him?"
"Durn fool, don't you know dogs don't talk?" The Cowboy replied, "So what's the harm? May I?" "Go right ahead."
The Cowboy said to the dog, "Howdy!" The dog replied, "Hello." The Rancher's eyes pop wide.
The Cowboy continued, "Is this your master?" "Yep, he sure is." "Does he treat you alright?" "Sure does. Every day he takes me for a walk, he feeds me all kinds of great food, and once a week he takes me to the lake to play."
Rancher was dumbfounded. The Cowboy said to the Rancher, "Is that your horse over there?"
"Yes." "Do you mind if I talk to him?" The Rancher replied, "I know the dog spoke to you, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk."
"Well, then what would it hurt?" "Go right ahead." The Cowboy said to the horse, "Hello." The horse replied, "Hello."
The Rancher stood there with his jaw wide open. The Cowboy asked, "Is that your owner?" "Yup, sure is." "He treat you okay?" "Sure, he rides me every day, brushes me down at the end of the day, and he keeps me in the barn away from the elements." "Sounds good."
The Cowboy then asked the Rancher, "Are those your sheep over there?"
The Rancher is horrified and stammers, "Them sheep out there, they're nothing but a bunch of liars!"



07-22-05 - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.



07-21-05 - FOND OF CHICKENS

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the priest suspected that was the time the cock fights occurred in the village. So he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" All the alter boys stood up.



07-20-05 - JIM AND BOB

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically because you own a weed-eater, I think that you have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to meet Bob at the bar.
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history and logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed-eater?"
"No."
"Then you're gay."



07-18-05 - WHAT'S WORSE?

What's worse than having termites in your piano?
Crabs on your organ



07-17-05 - LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny asks his Dad, "Why do women have periods?"
"Because they deseve them."



07-16-05 - A BURGULAR

A burglar breaks into an isolated country house after watching the whole family depart for a night out on the town.
As he creeps across the darkened living room he hears a voice saying "I can see you and Jesus can see you".
The burglar shines his penlight torch around the room, but sees nothing.
He takes another step and he hears it again "I can see you and Jesus can see you".
This time he realizes the voice comes from above and when he shines his torch around he sees a parrot sitting on top of a cupboard.
It looks him in the eye and says "I can see you and Jesus can see you".
The burglar laughs and says "You're just a parrot".
The parrot looks him in the eye and says "I'm a parrot and my name is Ebenezer".
The burglar laughs again and says "Ebenezer is a pretty silly name for a parrot".
The parrot looks him in the eye, waits until he has stopped laughing and says: "I agree completely and Jesus is a pretty silly name for a rotweiler".



07-15-05 - AN OWL AND A ROOSTER

What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster? A cock that stays up all night.



07-14-05 - MEN AND PIGS

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.



07-13-05 - WANDERING THE CAMPUS

A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library.
He approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me, young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?"
The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!"
The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question.
Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?"



07-12-05 - KFC AND A WOMAN

What does KFC and a woman have in common?
Once you're done with the breasts and the thighs, there's still a greasy box to put your bone in.



07-11-05 - AN OLD MAN

An old man was on his death bed.
He wanted badly to take some of his money with him.
He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you.
I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.
Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast
"I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed.
"I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."



07-10-05 - A SCOTTISH TOURIST

A Scottish tourist at his first baseball game...
A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.
A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"



07-09-05 - BLONDE PLAYING HOCKEY

How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
She fell out of the tree.



07-08-05 - LITTLE JOHNNY AGAIN

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom.
On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?"
The dad answered, "Playing Cards".
Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"
The dad answered, " Your mom".
Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room.
Again, he noticed the covers bouncing.
He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?"
The sister answered, "Playing Cards."
Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?"
She answered, "My boyfriend."
A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom.
As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing.
He called to his son, "what are you doing?"
Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards."
The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?"
Little Johnny answered, "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!"



07-07-05 - SAY WHAT YOU HEAR

A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table she turned to her six-year old son and asked, "Would you like to say grace?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," Little Johnny replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
Little Johnny bowed his head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people over to dinner!"



07-06-05 - LITTLE JOHNNY

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."



07-05-05 - LONG FACES

Two men walk into a bar both wearing long faces.
The bartender asks the first man "Why the long faces?"
The first man replied "Well, my wife and I went out to dinner the other night and we had a gorgeous waitress.
When I pointed to the menu to tell her what I wanted I said, 'I'd like a tit of bat,' but what I meant to say was, 'I'd like a bit of that!'
The bartender says "Oh! How about you, buddy?" he asked the other man.
"My wife and I were eating breakfast and I meant to say 'Please pass the butter,' but it came out 'You ruined my life, bitch!'



07-04-05 - LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him,"Blowjob, five dollars."
He gives her a strange look and keeps walking. Soon another girl does the same thing.
Confused, he keeps walking. So the first thing out of his mouth when he returns home is "Mom, what's a blowjob?"
His mom replies, "Five dollars, just like downtown!"



07-03-05 - TEXAS CATTLE BARRON

On a trip to Washington, D.C. a Texas Cattle Barron ran into some trouble and looked up his congressman to help him cut thru the red tape that exists to compound all problems. The congressman did his thing, solved the problem and the cattle barron was thrilled with the results. Trying to show his appreciation, the cattle barron ask his congressman was there anything he could do to repay the congressman's help. The congressman replied that as an official of the U.S. government, he was unable to accept gifts of appreciation for just doing his job, however. . . .having just taken up the game of golf, he could use a new set of clubs.
The cattle barron replied that he would see what he could do and both went about their business.
Six weeks later, the congressman receives a overnight Fedex envelope full of real estate title deeds. The attached note read:
"Here are the deeds to 9 golf clubs. Am awaiting receipt of the remaining 6. Unfortunately, only 6 of the clubs have a swimming pool, and one doesn't have a clubhouse".



07-02-05 - WHY DOES A DOG?

Why does a dog lick his balls?
Because he can.



07-01-05 - FATHER OF ONE OF THE CHILDREN

A man standing in line at a grocery store check-out counter was very surprised when a very attractive woman standing behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.
He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to?" Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! " Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No," she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"



06-30-05 - CHECKING FOR RAIN DROPS

A man who lived in an apartment block thought it might be raining, so he put his hand out the window to check for raindrops. As he did, a glass eye fell into his hand.
He stuck his head out to look up to see where the eye came from – just in time to see a young man looking down.
“Is this yours?” he asked.
He said, “Yes, could you bring it up?”, and the man agreed.
The man, who turned out to be very attractive, was profuse in his thanks and offered the man a drink. Naturally, he agreed.
Shortly afterward he said, “I’m about to have dinner – there’s plenty; would you like to join me?” He readily accepted his offer, and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the man said, “I’ve had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?”
The man hesitated, then said, “Do you act like this with every man you meet?”
“No,” he replied, “only with those who catch my eye.”



06-29-05 - A MIME VISITING THE ZOO

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes.
He discovers that it's a great job.
He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.
He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage.
Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
This goes on for some time - the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls.
The mime is terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.
The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, 'Help, Help Me!', but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, 'Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?'



06-28-05 - THE SUN IS JUST A HEAD

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."



06-27-05 - A BOX OF TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.



06-26-05 - TERRIBLE ACCIDENT

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere.
He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.
He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error.
"Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.
"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.
He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."



06-25-05 - 32 REDNECKS

Q: What do you get when you have 32 Rednecks in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.



06-25-05 - LITTLE TOMMY

One day, little Tommy, bored out of his mind, went to his father for suggestions on what to do to pass the time.
"I'll tell you what," said the father, "take this dollar and run into town and get me a dollars worth of what's what."
Tommy grabbed the dollar, hopped on his bike and rode into town.
Once there, he had to decide what store would have the what's what.
He stopped in front of the pharmacy and went in. He went to the pharmacist's desk, held up the dollar and said, "I'd like a dollar's worth of what's what, please."
The pharmacist knew immediately that the boy was on a wild goose chase and said, "If you go across the street, to the house with the red light on the front porch, they can get you some what's what."
Tommy ran across the street and knocked on the front door.
A tall, stunning blonde, completely naked, opened the door. Her pussy was right in little Tommy's face.
Pointing to it he said, "what's that?"
"What's what?" the whore replied.
"Good, I'll take a dollar's worth."



06-24-05 - PUBLIC RESTROOM

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.
As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.
Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.
Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."



06-23-05 - RIGHT OF WAY

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."



06-22-05 - BALL IN THE CROTCH

A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight.
It should be okay by next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentioned none of this to his girl.
They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.
This was the first time he saw them, and she said,You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before."
He tore off his pants and said, "Look at this. It's still in the CRATE.



06-21-05 - STOPPED BY THE POLICE

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."



06-19-05 - I CAN'T DO THAT

A police officer pulls over a guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
Guy: "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
Officer: "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
Guy: "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
Officer: "Well, then we need a urine sample." Guy: "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
Officer: "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
Guy: "I can't do that, officer." Officer: "Why not?" Guy: "Because I'm too drunk to do that."



06-18-05 - MARINE DRILL SERGEANT

A Marine Drill Sergeant, known for his insensitivity and tough demeanor, during roll call one day ended his talk with "Oh, by the way, Kowalski, your mother died last night."
A couple of weeks later, he told another troop in the same manner "Don't bother calling home this week Johnson, your house burned down last night and killed your entire family."
Word of these incidents leaked to the Commanding Officer, who called in Sergeant Pyrczkovich and counseled him, instructing him to be a bit more sensitive to the men.
So, after receiving news of the death of Private Lazinsky's grandmother, he decided to try another ploy. "Okay, men. Everyone whose grandmother is still alive, take one step forward. Not so fast, Lazinsky....."



06-17-05 - PEARLY GATES

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.
How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man.
"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."



06-16-05 - A GUST OF WIND

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God woman! Why arent you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy youself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jessus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.
" The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."



06-15-05 - INCREDIBLE HEADACHES

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."



06-14-05 - CLASS PICTURE

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."



06-13-05 - TWO MEN HUNTING

Two men went hunting. Joe had been hunting all his life, but Steve was hunting for the first time. Joe told Steve to sit down and not make a sound. So he did.
But when Joe got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" he said.
"Well, I was when the snake bit me," said Steve. "And I was when the bear attacked me... but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat them or take them with us,' I screamed."



06-11-05 - TWO MEN DRINKING

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building - by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: "Watsa matter wit you are you, a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."
1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurdles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
The 2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a huge splat.
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."



06-10-05 - ELLEN

Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres has a new line of sneakers "coming out"?
They're called "dykeees". They have a longer than normal tongue and you can get them off with one finger!



06-09-05 - THREE ELDERLY LADIES

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game.They Smuggle a bottle of booze into the park. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely...
Mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone ....
and the game has a lot of innings to go.
Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?


Think!

Think some more!!

You're gonna love it .
Answer:
It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!






06-08-05 - ROUGH AND HAIRY

Question: What's rough and hairy on the outside, soft and wet on the inside, starts with a c, ends with a t, and has a u and an n in it?
Answer: A coconut



06-06-05 - BUBBA AND JUNIOR

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the pole down.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"



06-04-05 - BLONDE

Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?
She heard the drinks were on the house.



06-02-05 - TEENAGE GRANDDAUGHTER

A teenage granddaughter came down for a date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra. Her grandmother threw a fit, telling her she couldn't dare go out like that!! The teen said, "Loosen up Grams... these are modern times - you gotta let your rosebuds show!" and left. The next day the teenager came downstairs and saw her grandmother with no top on. The teen was just dying as she tried to explaining to her Grandmother that she had friends coming over and THIS was just not appropriate!! The grandmother replied, "Sweetie, loosen up... if you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets!"



06-01-05 - TWO INDIANS AND A COWBOY

There were two indians and a cowboy walking along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave.
He stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave.
The cowboy was puzzled and asked the other indian what that was all about, was that indian goofy or something.
"No", said the other indian. "It is mating time for us indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you.
Well, just about that time, the other indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", off came the clothes and into the cave he goes.
The cowboy started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave.
As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones that those indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave!"
Well... he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave. The next day in the newspaper the head lines read, Naked Cowboy Run Over By Freight Train!!



05-31-05 - DURING THE COLD WAR

Back during the Cold War, the USSR learned that Saturn may be inhabited by giant thirty foot Furries. They believed the Furries could be good allies to be used as ground troops in a war with the United States. For this reason the USSR sent two astronauts on a secret diplomatic mission to Saturn.
The astronauts landed and while they had to struggle with the much heavier gravity of Saturn, they did some exploring and soon encountered a giant thirty foot Furry. After some conversation with the Furry, they inquired “Do you have a leader?” The giant thirty foot Furrry replied “Well, yeah guys, he’s right over there in the mountain. I can take you to meet him if you want.”
The giant thirty foot Furry and the two astronauts made an interesting picture on the Saturnian landscape trudging to the mountain as the astronauts struggled against the heavy gravity with every step they took. Finally they arrived at the mountain and the giant thirty foot Furry opened a huge stone door and they entered the cave of the Furries. It was obvious that this was the seat of government and there was discipline with an organized palace guard and giant Furries wearing embroidered robes as they scurried about on their way to meetings about affairs of state etc. The astronauts and the Furry traveled through several halls in the cave and finally came to a very large ornate door and the thirty foot Furry said, “Uh, you guys wait here while I tell our leader you want to see him.” After about half an hour, the Furry returned and said, “Our leader will see you now, come with Me.” and beckoned for them to enter.
Inside the room they saw another giant thirty foot Furry who looked like all of the other Furries except he had a giant hypodermic needle inserted straight into the top of his head. They asked him if he and his people would be interested in a defense pact to help defend the USSR from the Americans and he said “Well yeah, sure, guys, we’d be glad to help.” The astronauts added , “Of course, before we can sign any treaty we need to see some kind of proof that you really are the leader of the inhabitants of Saturn so we will not embarrass our government by making a treaty that has no value. Can you prove that you are, in fact, the leader of the inhabitants of Saturn?”
To which the giant thirty foot Furry replied, “Well, that’s easy guys. . . I am the leader of the inhabitants of Saturn because I am the FURRY WITH THE SYRINGE ON TOP.”



05-30-05 - SPEEDING

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"



05-29-05 - TWO GUYS HIKING IN THE MOUNTAINS

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.
"Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?"
"I dunno," said the second.
"Let's find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waited and waited, but didn't hear it hit bottom.
"Hmm. Let's try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn't hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.
While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they'd seen a goat.
"Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole."
"Oh, well then it couldn't have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad tie."



05-28-05 - DRIVING AND KNITTING

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks



05-27-05 - LORRAINE

There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.
He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing..."I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."



05-26-05 - TAKING DICTATION

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"



05-25-05 - MARK 17

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."



05-24-05 - LITTLE PATRICK

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night & heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"



05-23-05 - HOLDING A SHEEP

This guy walks into the bedroom one morning while his wife is lying in bed.
He's holding a sheep very gently in his arms.
He says "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
The wife says to him "I think you'll find thats a sheep".
And the bloke says "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".



05-22-05 - EXTREMELY MODEST MAN

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost"



05-21-05 - ELDERLY ITALIAN GUY

This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider. "Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!" "It's gets worse Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors." The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly." "Thank you Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"



05-19-05 - THIRD GRADE TEACHER

A third grade teacher came in to the room one day and found a drawing of a penis on the blackboard. She suspiciously looked at her students but didn't say anything. Instead, she rubbed it off. The next day, she came in and saw another drawing of an even bigger penis on the board. She frowns and rubs it off. The third day, she came in and saw another penis drawn on the board. This time, it's huge, covering up almost half of the space.
She couldn't take it anymore so she screams out to the room full of noisy children, "Why do you kids like drawing this penis on the board? And why is it getting bigger each day?"
Little Johnny then screams out back to her, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."



05-18-05 - STIRING A PILE OF SHIT

Once there was this indian sitting in the middle of the road stirring a pile of shit. Someone called the sherrif to report what was happening. When the sherrif arrived he asked the old Indian "What do you think your doing?"
The Indian looked up, not bothering to stop his stirring and then looked back down. "I'm making another Indian" was his reply.
The sherrif said, "I suppose you think your pretty funny. Lets see you make a white man."
The old Indian looked down at the pile then looked back up at the sherrif and said, "I can't do that."
"Why not?" asked the sherrif.
The Indian answered with a smile on his face "Not enough shit.".



05-16-05 - BLIND MAN

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog. A passer-by who'd seen everything remarked: "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."
"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the ass."



05-15-05 - THREE MEN DRINKING

Three men were drinking at a bar, a doctor, attorney, and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's birthday I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"




05-14-05 - VIAGRA

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.
The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1.. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs



05-13-05 - A LITTLE OLD LADY

A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money.
They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, "I make bets."
The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "For example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet."
The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady says, "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?"
"Sure," says the president.
That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet. The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this.
The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them.
"Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, "What is wrong with your lawyer?"
She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of America's president's balls in my hands!"



05-12-05 - AIRPLANE ABOUT TO CRASH

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".



05-11-05 - PHOTO FOR GRANDMA

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother.
It says: "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle.....it makes your nose look too short."
Love, Grandma



05-10-05 - COLONEL SANDERS AND THE POPE

Colonel Sanders walks up to the Pope one day and says, I'll give you $5,000 if you change the words in the bible 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'".
The Pope replys, "Sorry, I cannot change the words of the Bible". Sanders says, "How about $7,000?". "Sorry, I cannot", The Pope replys. "$8,000"?, Sanders tries again. The Pope thinks about it and says, "Well, alright".
Later he goes to the cardinals and says, "I have good news and bad news. The good is we're $8,000 richer. The bad is that we lost our endorsement with Wonder Bread."



05-09-05 - ROOKIE

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."



05-08-05 - STAKING OUT A BAR

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, "How is this possible?"
The guy says, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."



05-07-05 - WALKING THE DOG

A little girl asks her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What does that mean," asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage," the mom replied.
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, my I take the dog for a walk around the block? I asked mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring the dog over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it then said, "Okay, you can go now but keep her on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with only a leash.
Surprised by this, dad asked, "Where's your dog?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."



05-06-05 - BREASTS

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman decided to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "Don't worry miss," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, the butcher's voice booms over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."



05-04-05 - INDIAN RUNNING BEAR

The Indian Running Bear was feeling rather lonely so he decides that he will visit the local whorehouse. As he walks in the door he is stopped by the madame. "What can I do for you tonight?", she asks.
"Me want'm woman," Running Bear replies.
She looks him in the eye and asks, "Do you have any experience?"
"Me have'm no experience," Running Bear answers rather quietly.
"You go and get yourself some experience," the madame tells him, "then you can have one of my girls."
Running Bear goes to the medicine man and tells him, "Me want'm woman but me have'm no experience."
The medicine man takes Running Bear to a tree off in the woods and points to a knot-hole. "You get'm experience here," he tells him.
After a few weeks Running Bear thinks he is ready so he visits the whorehouse again. And once again the madame stops him, saying, "Do you have any experience?"
Running Bear answers, "Me have'm pleanty experience now!"
"Well good," the madame says, "You can go on up to room 4 and see Sadie."
So Running Bear goes upstairs to find the room. Not 10 minutes goes by and everyone downstairs hears a bunch of screams coming from upstairs! They all run upstairs and find that the screams are coming from room 4!!! They burst through the door and find Sadie screaming with Running Bear shoving a broom handle up Sadie's pussy! The madame yells, "What in the hell are you doing?!?"
Running Bear replies, "Me check'm for bees..."



05-03-05 - CHINESE RESTAURANT MENU

The Indian Running Bear was feeling rather lonely so he decides that he will visit the local whorehouse. As he walks in the door he is stopped by the madame. "What can I do for you tonight?", she asks.
"Me want'm woman," Running Bear replies.
She looks him in the eye and asks, "Do you have any experience?"
"Me have'm no experience," Running Bear answers rather quietly.
"You go and get yourself some experience," the madame tells him, "then you can have one of my girls."
Running Bear goes to the medicine man and tells him, "Me want'm woman but me have'm no experience."
The medicine man takes Running Bear to a tree off in the woods and points to a knot-hole. "You get'm experience here," he tells him.
After a few weeks Running Bear thinks he is ready so he visits the whorehouse again. And once again the madame stops him, saying, "Do you have any experience?"
Running Bear answers, "Me have'm pleanty experience now!"
"Well good," the madame says, "You can go on up to room 4 and see Sadie."
So Running Bear goes upstairs to find the room. Not 10 minutes goes by and everyone downstairs hears a bunch of screams coming from upstairs! They all run upstairs and find that the screams are coming from room 4!!! They burst through the door and find Sadie screaming with Running Bear shoving a broom handle up Sadie's pussy! The madame yells, "What in the hell are you doing?!?"
Running Bear replies, "Me check'm for bees..."



05-02-05 - INDIAN RUNNING BEAR

The Indian Running Bear was feeling rather lonely so he decides that he will visit the local whorehouse. As he walks in the door he is stopped by the madame. "What can I do for you tonight?", she asks.
"Me want'm woman," Running Bear replies.
She looks him in the eye and asks, "Do you have any experience?"
"Me have'm no experience," Running Bear answers rather quietly.
"You go and get yourself some experience," the madame tells him, "then you can have one of my girls."
Running Bear goes to the medicine man and tells him, "Me want'm woman but me have'm no experience."
The medicine man takes Running Bear to a tree off in the woods and points to a knot-hole. "You get'm experience here," he tells him.
After a few weeks Running Bear thinks he is ready so he visits the whorehouse again. And once again the madame stops him, saying, "Do you have any experience?"
Running Bear answers, "Me have'm pleanty experience now!"
"Well good," the madame says, "You can go on up to room 4 and see Sadie."
So Running Bear goes upstairs to find the room. Not 10 minutes goes by and everyone downstairs hears a bunch of screams coming from upstairs! They all run upstairs and find that the screams are coming from room 4!!! They burst through the door and find Sadie screaming with Running Bear shoving a broom handle up Sadie's pussy! The madame yells, "What in the hell are you doing?!?"
Running Bear replies, "Me check'm for bees..."



05-01-05 - A PRIEST AND A NUN

A priest offers a lift to a nun.
She gets in the car, and crosses her legs forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controling the car he stealthily slides his handup her leg ! She says "Father remember psalm 129" The priest removes his hand and says "sister the flesh is weak". Arriving at the convent the nun went on her way and the priest sped off to his church. On arrival at the church the priest rushes to look up psalm 129, which says "go forth and seek, further up you will find glory"
Moral : If you are not well informed in your job you might miss a great opportunity



04-30-05 - MORTUARY

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads."



04-29-05 - DRUNKENNESS

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Damn it," he thought.
"I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.
"How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again.



04-28-05 - SUNDAY SCHOOL

A nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
She looked at him with confusion. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
"Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."



04-27-05 - A RABBI AND A PRIEST

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!" Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!" The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune." The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?" The rabbi r