8-19-03 - UNDERWATER
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below
sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he
had on no scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a
few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes
later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he
took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck
are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had
written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
8-18-03 - RE HIRED
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was
nursing a king-size hangover
and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied
the wife.
"Piss on him," answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said the husband.
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."
8-17-03 - CUTE
Nancy goes to the gynecologist and he examines her.
He says, "You have acute vaginitis."
She says, "Thank you."
8-16-03 - K MART
A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it".
Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.
She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart; now you can follow me over to K-Mart."
8-15-03 - LAWYER
On visting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible.
"What are you doing?" asked the friend.
"Looking for loopholes," repied the lawyer.
8-14-03 - THE HENS
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road
strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a
cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A
farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed
your rooster, please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."
8-13-03 - DENTIST?
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his
wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and
says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I
want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time
he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
8-12-03 - COMPUTER VIRUS
There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propogated through
the email system. If you get an email message with the subject: "VIRUS
ALERT!" do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles
the second half of every text file on your system.
VERY IMPORTANT: If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaid
dfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj asdfsdg dluog av da[agj asdfajpg as
dflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g adf
jdl5gkj dkllj djf hsas9kaj kuieh nx3glkj gkdls kd li8siue ghkld hks1
as dg 0vbwe ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf!
8-11-03 - JOB FOR THE BULL
A little boy did not go to school one day.
The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the Bull".
"How disgusting" said the teacher "I am sure your father could have done that"
"No ma'm, he couldn't have" said the little sod "It has to be the Bull".
8-10-03 - ARNOLD FOR GOVERNOR
8-9-03 - ORGASM
Q: Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm?
A: I don't know dear, ask your father.
8-8-03 - PROSTITUTION
A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so
they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source
of income.
The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he
would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or
problems.
A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all
the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to
ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She
went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That was too
much!"
He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a
minute and ran to ask her husband how much.
The husband said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the
client.
He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants
and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that
the man was really well hung.
She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner
again at which her husband asked, "Now what?"
The wife replied, "Can I borrow $60?"
8-7-03 - KAMIKAZE CLASS
Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his
students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.
8-6-03 - CONFESSION
A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."
8-5-03 - FAILING GRADE
Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently
divorced mother her age? She told him that was not a question
to ask and that he shouldn't ask it again.
He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that she
wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.
The next question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced.
Once again, she told him that it was not a question he should ask
and to not ask that question again. He went away.
A few minutes later, she found him digging in her purse. She asked
what he was doing and as he turn toward his mother, he beamingly told
her he had found all the answers to his questions by looking at her
driver's license.
He said, "Mother, you're 34 years old, weigh 125 pounds and Daddy
divorced you because you got an 'F' in sex."
8-4-03 - HABITS
Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another's a smoker and the third's a gay guy. The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.
Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, “I don't care if I die, I need a drink.” The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.
Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk. The gay guy looks over and says, “If you bend down to pick that up, we're both dead.”
8-3-03 - LAY OFFS
A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning.
He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the
next Monday. "Downsizing."
He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it
doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to
figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill
standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be
one of them."
He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does.
Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's
in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to
think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and
Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye.
"Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything
okay?"
He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I
can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off."
And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so i suggest
you jack off."
8-2-03 - CIA
Three guys are applying for a job with the CIA. They get all the way
to the final test.
So the first guy walks into the director's office and sits down. The
director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. He lays it on his
desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your
loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room
on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head."
The guy looks at him and says, "No way." So the director says, "You
fail."
The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy
picks up the gun and heads for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes
later. Tells the director that he just couldn't go through with it.
The director says, "You fail."
So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room.
The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass
breaking, furniture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up
and his clothes tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?"
Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in
the gun so I had to choke the bitch to death."
8-1-03 - MILEAGE
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey,
Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that
gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."
7-31-03 - OBITUARY
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the
obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After
the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50
cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then,
let it read 'Fred Brown died'."
Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there
is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again,
counts on her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown
died: 1983 Pick-up for sale'."
7-30-03 - MOZART
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
7-29-03 - NEW 10 SPEED
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300."
"Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
7-28-03 - ORANGE BIRD
An old man goes to the doctor and says "Dr., I don't know what's wrong
with me. My dick is orange."
The Dr. tells him to pull down his pants and let him take a look. He
has no idea what is wrong so he asks the guy if he has recently painted
anything orange.
The old man said "No."
The Dr. thinks for a minute and then asks the guy if he has recently
been exposed to any chemicals at work.
The old man said "No, I'm retired."
The Dr. then asks the guy if he could have been working with any
chemicals in his garage.
The old man replied "No Dr., I told you, I'm retired. All I do is sit
around all day, watch pornos and eat Cheetos...
7-27-03 - BLONDE GRENADE
What do you do when a Blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
7-26-03 - UDAY AND QUSAY
The Arab world is speaking out about the deaths of Uday and Qusay. Saddam Hussein said it was an outrage. Bid Laden said it was a disgrace and former Iraqi information minister said 'I just had lunch with them an hour ago. They are looking fabulous. The boys are playing golf right now.'
7-25-03 - THE OCTOPUS
A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50 that
no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."
The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old
guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and
starts playing the guitar. The octopus' owner pockets the fifty bucks.
The next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens
up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy
hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus' owner.
The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back,
coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
He puts them on the bar and says to the guy, "Now if your octopus can
play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over,
and has another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus'
owner comes up and says, "What are you pissing around for? Hurry up
and play the damn thing !"
The octopus says, "Play it? If I can figure out how to get it's
pajama's off, I'm gonna fuck it!"
7-24-03 - ARMY NAVY AIR
There's a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the NAVY was
driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy who's driving from McGwire in
South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other and all cars go
flying off in different directions. The squid manages to climb out of his car and survey the
damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise
the ARMY guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy just shakes
his head and says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The NAVY guy walks over to the ARMY and Air Force guys and says, "Hey guys, I think this is a
sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of
arch rivals." The ARMY guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right!
We should be friends."
The Air Force guy says "Let me see what else survived this wreck." So he pops open his trunk
and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the NAVY and Army guys, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast
to our new found understanding and friendship." The Swabbie says, "You're right!" and he grabs
the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the
bottle the Squid hands it to the ARMY guy and says, "Your turn! The ARMY guy sucks down a third
and hands the bottle back to the Air Force guy.
The Air Force guy puts the cap back on the bottle and says, "I think I'll wait for the cops to
show up."
7-23-03 - LIBERIA
President Bush said today that he will not send troops to Liberia until he gets some bogus information from the CIA to justify it.
7-22-03 - DARN GOOD
President Bush is fighting back.
He said the intelligence I get is 'darn good'.
See, no matter how important an issue is, Bush always makes it sounds like he's in a commercial for barbecue sauce. -Jay Leno
7-21-03 - WASP STING
A lady golfer is stung by a wasp.
She goes to look for the greenkeeper and finds him.
"I've been stung by a wasp" She says.
" Where did it get you?" He replies
"Between the 1st and 2nd hole"
"I think your stance must be a little too wide"
7-20-03 - RECONSTITUED GERANIUMS
In an extraordinary retraction of key elements in his last State of the Union Address, President George W. Bush revealed today that Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein did not attempt to buy uranium in Africa, as earlier alleged, but merely geraniums.
“As I was reading the speech to the nation, I should have caught that typo,” the President told reporters today. “My bad.”
While the news about the uranium/geranium goof stunned diplomatic circles, Mr. Bush remained resolute about his decision to go to war, arguing that buying geraniums, while not as potentially dangerous as buying uranium, still represented a “suspicious” activity on the part of the Iraqi madman.
“The question we have to ask is, who was he buying these geraniums for?” Mr. Bush said. “Was he buying them for Osama bin Laden or Kim Jung-Il or some other evildoer? Luckily, we’ll never find out.”
Mr. Bush said that, thanks to Operation Iraqi Freedom, “Saddam Hussein is no longer free to terrorize the world with his evil flower-buying sprees.”
While the President may have been trying to quell international criticism, his comments instead sparked more controversy, as French President Jacques Chirac challenged the U.S. to find evidence of geraniums anywhere in Iraq.
In response, Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld said that while the U.S. had yet to turn up any concrete evidence of geraniums, U.S. forces had uncovered several “suspicious” empty flowerpots outside of Basra.
Asked by reporters about the flowerpots, Mr. Bush gave a thumbs-up gesture and said, “Mission accomplished.”
7-19-03 - CONSTIPATED
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm
constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean
over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks
him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the
bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great.
What should I do?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."
7-18-03 - DEAF?
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness".
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.
He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
7-17-03 - URINATE
Mrs. Flebs, a teacher, was standing in front of her class. It was the beginning of the new school year. Mrs. Flebs said, “Okay class, we're going to go around the room and have everybody say a sentence. We'll start with Sarah.”
Sarah said, “Cows have spots.
Terrence said, ''Baseball is a sport.”
Carla said, “Computers are electronic.”
Bobby said, “Urinate.”
Mrs. Flebs said, “Bobby, urinate is a word, not a sentence.”
Bobby said, “Not ‘urinate’, it's you're an eight. And if you had bigger tits you'd be a ten.”
7-16-03 - PARROT
A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly across from an old man.
The young punk has spiked green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His entire face and body are covered with piercings and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.
The old man stares at the young punk as the bus travels across the city.
Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."
7-15-03 - GOLDFISH
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
7-14-03 - HERE KITTY KITTY
Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her
husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of
pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be
'satisfied.'
The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that
evening. That night they made out.
The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they
really got it on.
The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.
A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The
woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was
doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant; my asshole
hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty,
kitty.'"
7-13-03 - FARMING CHICKENS
A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to
give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken
farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns
out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The
neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't
easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100
chickens."
The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new
neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer
said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh,
I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens.
I'll give you 100 more."
Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new
farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100
chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbor asked, "what went wrong?
What did you do to them?"
Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too
deep or not far apart enough."
7-12-03 - BLONDE NAILS
Two blondes were building a house. one saw that the other was going into her pouch and throwing every other nail out. She thought that this was weird and decided to look into.
"Why do you keep throwing every other nail away?"
"Well, when i pull one out of my pouch, and it is facing towards the house, i nail it it. If it is facing away from the House, it is defective and i throw it away."
"You idiot, those nails aren't defective, they are for the other side of the house."
7-11-03 - SINGLE GUY
Man walks into a supermarket and buys :
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?"
The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"
She replies "because you're ugly."
7-10-03 - NOT QUITE EIGHTEEN
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot
overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside
with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's
seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat
calmly knitting.
He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked
up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading
this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then
asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's
knitting a sweater."
Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?"
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve
minutes she'll be eighteen."
7-9-03 - BROTHEL PARROT
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read $50.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first ... that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes he says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird carefully looked around the room, then it looked at her and said, "New house ... new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the parrot looked at both of them, and said, "New house ... new madam ... new hookers."
The girls were at first a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the whole situation.
She then began to think about how to explain this to Keith, her husband. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. Before he had time to close the door, the bird took one look at him and said, "Hi Keith."
7-8-03 - THREE BEARS
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just
waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at
the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl. It is also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through
this? I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!!"
7-7-03 - GET OUT!
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
7-6-03 - HOOKERS
A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of
hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with
their pinkies and say "Hi there little boy!!"
One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always
wave at him with their pinkies. They reply: "well, that is what size
we imagine your penis to be... it is just a joke!"
The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The
young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all
his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, "HI
THERE LADIES!
7-5-03 - GONE FISHING
Every Saturday morning he's going fishing. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes...all day long.
Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.
Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies.................
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"
7-4-03 - WMD
U.S. special operations forces looking for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq today discovered what is being described as “suspicious trailers in a suspicious trailer park.”
“It is difficult to put into words the magnitude of this find,” interim administrator L. Paul Bremer said at a press conference in Baghdad. “This is a huge number of trailers.”
While officials said no weapons of mass destruction were found, “a substantial cache” of pork rinds, Cheese Whiz, nachos, bacon bits “and other fixin’s” were seized.
“While we have no evidence yet that these trailers were used to produce banned weapons, it is clear that they were used to produce peanut butter and banana sandwiches,” Mr. Bremer said.
In Washington, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld called the discovery of the suspicious trailer park the “smoking gun” the U.S. has been waiting for, citing the pork rinds as proof that Saddam Hussein was using the trailers to produce illegal weapons.
“Clearly, these trailers were producing chemical and biological agents, then were scrubbed clean and filled with pork rinds to throw everyone off the scent,” Mr. Rumsfeld said.
7-3-03 - BIG TITS
A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."
7-2-03 - MONKEY JOB
A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.
After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.
When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that?" said the trucker.
The man said, "Yeah."
The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"
The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
7-1-03 - THREE KIDS
Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they
make
love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped
on her
reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his
hand.
"Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been
using
on me for the last 5 years?" "Honey, let me explain..." "Why, you
sneaky
bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -" "Speaking of
sneaky,"
her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three
kids."
6-30-03 - KODAK MOMENT
Q: What do Kodak cameras have in common with condoms?
A: Both capture the moment.
6-29-03 - BULL
A man took his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."
6-28-03 - FACELIFT
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I
take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I
get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up
the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands
on my wife's butt and say, 'Hey honey, wanna fool around?' ....and she's
always sound asleep."
6-27-03 - MARRIED BLUES
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I
take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I
get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up
the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands
on my wife's butt and say, 'Hey honey, wanna fool around?' ....and she's
always sound asleep."
6-26-03 - BUSH'S PUZZLE
Cheney gets a call from his "boss", W.
"I've got a problem," says W.
"What's the matter?" asks Cheney.
"Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's it a picture of?" asks Cheney.
"A big rooster," replies W.
"All right," sighs Cheney, "I'll come over and have a look."
So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. W points at the jigsaw on his desk.
Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to W and says, "For crying out loud, Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box."
6-25-03 - GRILL
A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
6-24-03 - GENIE
Once upon a time a man was walking down the street. He saw an ancient
oil lamp in an ash
can and, thinking of the Aladdin legend, he picked up and rubbed it.
Sure enough, out
popped a genie. "Master, I shall now grant you one wish." The man
spoke, his eyes
bulging with desire. "I wanna be rock hard and get plenty of ass for
the rest of my life!"
The genie obediently turned him into a toilet.
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