6-23-03 - FUNERAL HOME
A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her
husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband
to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit
that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank
check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin
and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how
much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one
wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and
asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in
a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the
heads."
6-22-03 - GO BLIND
A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.
"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"
"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."
6-21-03 - POLITICIANS
Why are politicians like diapers?
Both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.
6-20-03 - MARTHA #2
Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot.
Then Martha explained how to get ink off your fingers using seltzer water and lemon juice
6-19-03 - HILLARY #1
"In her book Hillary Clinton said she could have divorced her husband for all of his infidelities, but decided to get counseling instead. In a related story Bill Clinton announced the name of his new book is 'What Does It Take To Get This Woman To Leave Me?'"
6-18-03 - BATTERED WOMEN
I read last week how there are more than one million battered women in
the United States
each year.
All these years I've been eating them raw.
6-17-03 - MARTHA #1
Why did Martha Stewart cross the road?
To avoid the throngs of unwashed working class trash shopping for her line of sweatshop manufactured luxury crap sold at local discount retail bacteria farms.
6-16-03 - THE DOCTOR
A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied, "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?"
inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
6-15-03 - CHICKEN AND EGG
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking
a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is
frowning and looking put out.
The egg mutters to no one in particular,
"I guess we answered that question."
6-14-03 - PENIS NAME
Q: Why do men name their penis?
A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.
6-13-03 - THE RABBIT
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
6-12-03 - ELEPHANT
An elephant walks up to a naked guy and says, "How do you breathe out of that thing?"
6-11-03 - RAGGEDY ANN
Q: Why was Raggedy Ann thrown out of the toy store?
A: She was caught sitting on Pinocchio's face and shouting
"Lie lie lie!"
6-10-03 - PERKY BOOBS
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them...
6-9-03 - POSSE
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named "Clint", and
bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to
Clint, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a
day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first
wish?"
Clint says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. Clint
grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on
the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back
with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee
with Clint.
The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can
only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What your
wish today?"
Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his
horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the
horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse
comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee
with the Clint.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical
white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white
man. What you want?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The
Indians bring him his horse.
Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read
my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
6-8-03 - HERPES
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his
professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had
disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing
so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions
or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said
the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do
you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing
now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came
here in the first place."
6-7-03 - GREEN BALLS
Q: What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand?
A: Kermit's undivided attention.
6-6-03 - THE BIRD
The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable
thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a
red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that
wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the
windshield wiper.
Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on
my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the
windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked.
On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it
slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn't
get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car
behind me was a police car.
Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was
forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what
had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears.
He simply stated: I am going to have to write you up for flipping me
the bird.
6-5-03 - NO OBJECTION
He'd shown her his etchings and just about everything else of interest in his apartment, and as Jack poured the last martinis into their glasses, he realized that the moment of truth with Louise had arrived. He decided on the direct verbal attack.
"Tell me," he said smoothly, fingering a lock of her hair, "do you object to making love?"
She turned her lovely eyes up to his. "That's something I've never done," she said.
"Never made love?" cried Jack, appalled at the waste of magnificent raw material.
"No, silly," she said in soft rebuke. "Never objected".
6-4-03 - SUPERBOWL
Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is
in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the
Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first
quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the
50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and makes his way through
the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse
me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man said "no".
Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the
man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"
The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"That's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone
to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
6-3-03 - WOMAN DRIVER
This guy is in the car and his wife is driving on the wrong side of the road, he shouts "Move over your on the wrong side of the road".
She replied "You don't have to shout like that, they can't hear you anyway".
6-2-03 - ARE YOU HURT?
Two gay guys are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. This fascinates the gay men. One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours non-stop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage.
An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later his friend visits him in the hospital and asks. "Are you hurt?". "AM I HURT?", he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't CALLED, he hasn't WRITTEN...."
6-1-03 - BIG BOOBS
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which
one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of
them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She
gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and
tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you
because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I
bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the
rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future
because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the
money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
5-31-03 - CAT RESCUE
Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a
building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her
pet cat in her arms.
"Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat."
"No," she cries, "It's too far."
"I play football, I can catch him."
The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to
Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.
The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch
it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed
catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into
cheers.
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his
knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
5-30-03 - GEESE
Q: Do you know why when geese fly south in a V formation one side of the V is always longer then the other?
A: Well it's because there are more geese on that side than on the other.
5-29-03 - SEASON PASS
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing
out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and
the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking
this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will
be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.
Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a
season pass?"
5-28-03 - MARRIED
Sleeping the sleep of the just in his upper berth, the gentleman was awakened by a persistent tapping from below.
"Oh, Mr. Forsythe, are you awake?" asked the middle-aged lady in the berth below.
"I am now," he said groggily.
"It's frightfully cold down here, Mr Forsythe. I wonder if you would mind getting me a blanket."
"I've got a better idea, lady," he said. "Let's pretend we're married".
She giggled softly and said, "That sounds like a good idea".
"Good," said he, rolling over. "Now, go get your own damn blanket".
5-27-03 - DONUTS
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a
hamburger.
The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"
The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"
Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in
his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat,
and tosses it on the grill.
The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever
seen!"
The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the
morning when he makes the doughnuts!"
5-26-03 - HORSE RIDING
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and then
horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and
rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the
saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get
a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down
the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly
impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she
leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now
at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is battered
against the ground again and again. She is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when........
........the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
5-25-03 - THE JUDGEMENT
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court
judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then
I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
5-24-03 - DISABILITY
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have
a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them
the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her
the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull
down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
5-23-03 - COWBOYS
Two cowboys were riding horse. They were going down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. They stop to look at it.
A minute later one of the cowboys yells, "I can't take it anymore!" So he runs over to the sheep and starts butt-fucking it.
He walks back whens hes done and says to the other cowboy, "You want some of that?"
The other cowboy smiles and says, "Allright!" So he runs up to the fence and sticks his head in it.
5-22-03 - OLD AND RICH
An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young
man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she
was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to
the man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man was a real smart
aleck and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young and
bright."
Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and
backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his
Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do
that for?" The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you
can do when you're old and rich!"
5-21-03 - CONFESSION
An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession. "Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Enemy. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess."
"It's worse, Father. she started to repay me with sexual favors."
"You were both in great danger, two people together under those circumstances act that way. You are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
5-20-03 - BLONDE JOKE
How do you know when a blonde has been working on your computer?
There's white out on the screen and lipstick on the joystick!
5-19-03 - X-RATED VIDEO
A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she
hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult
video.
She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while,
selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable,
and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she
calls the video store to complain.
"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape
but static," she says.
"Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which
title did you rent?" the clerk replies.
"Head Cleaner," Mary replies.
5-18-03 - PET SOUNDS
How do you make a cat go 'woof'?
Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire.
and...
How do you make a dog go 'miaow'?
Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw...
5-17-03 - LONG HAIR
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,
who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His
father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You
bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and
then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's
study where the father said - "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have
brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you
didn't get your hair cut." The young man waited a moment and then
replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson
had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus
had long hair."
The rabbi said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.
5-16-03 - DIRECTIONS
At a Texas University, a Professor had been teaching his students human reproduction. For an exam, one of the questions was: "Female humans are born with a limited number of eggs, while males, during their lifetime, produce millions upon millions of sperm. Why are so many sperm produced?" One young woman's answer: "Because they won't ask for directions either."
5-15-03 - FLAT ON HIS FACE
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally
says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat
on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls
home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls
through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time
he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at
him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
5-14-03 - MIKE TYSON
How come Mike Tyson's eyes always water during sex?
Mace...
5-13-03 - COOKIES?
Little Johnny and his grandfather are fishing by a peaceful lake
beneath some weeping willow trees.
The grandfather takes out a cigarette and lights it.
Little Johnny says,
"Grandpa, can I try one of your cigarettes?"
"Can you touch your butt with your penis?"
"No," replies Little Johnny.
"Then, you're not big enough" explains the
grandfather.
A few minutes pass, and the man takes a beer out of his
cooler and opens it.
Little Johnny then asks, "Grandpa, can I have some
of your beer?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?"
"No," says Little Johnny.
"Then, you're not old enough."
Time passes and they continue to fish.
Little Johnny gets hungry so he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies, and eats one.
The grandfather looks at him and says, "They look good, can I have one of your cookies?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?"
"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather proudly.
"Then go fuck yourself... these are my cookies!"
5-12-03 - NEW BMW
A young woman had just purchased her dream car, a new BMW convertible, and was having trouble tuning her radio to a station she wanted. She returned to the BMW dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio.
"Miss," the salesperson said, "this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You merely give voice commands to whatever type of program you desire."
So after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway.
"Country Music," she said, and instantly Garth Brooks was singing away on a country station. After a while she said, "Oldies," and instantly she heard Fats Domino singing "Blueberry Hill."
A few minutes later, a woman in a new Cadillac cut her off in traffic.
"Stupid, inconsiderate bitch!" she yelled. The radio paused for a second, and then she heard, "Hello again and welcome back to the program. This is Dr. Laura."
5-11-03 - HORSIE RIDE
One day,little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong.
Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"
5-10-03 - REMEDY
Lorne calls his boss in the morning:
Hey boss, I cant come work today I feel really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I wont be in.
The boss says:
You know Lorne I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me a blow job. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Lorne calls:
Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. And by the way, you got a nice house.
5-09-03 - SPORTS ILLUSTRATED
5-08-03 - TURN AROUND
A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down upon the small white guy and says, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints!
The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong?"
The small guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?".
The big guy looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says "Thank God, I thought you said, "Turn around."
5-07-03 - DICK HEAD
In 2001, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head is larger than the shaft is to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, Germany decided to do its own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason is to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted its own study. After three weeks and a cost of around $75.47, they concluded that it is to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
5-06-03 - SHEEP
There's a farmer who bought several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool, chops, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means, but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lay down in the grass and roll around.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try did not take and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each one twice for good measure, brings them back, then falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his partner to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No," he says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
5-05-03 - HOLMES AND WATSON
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:
"Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."
5-04-03 - CANNIBALS
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
5-03-03 - MUFFLER
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."
5-02-03 - BUTTER CUPS
Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the pussy willows."
She screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
5-01-03 - THE HIPPIE
A hippie gets on a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The hippie the asked the nun if she would have sex with him. Surprised, the Nun politely declines and gets off at the next stop.
When the bus resumes, the bus driver says to the hippie "if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you!" The hippie says of course, the driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight she goes to the cemetery to Pray to the Lord. " If you went dressed in Robes and glowing powder," said the male bus driver "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you!"
The hippie goes out the next Tuesday evening. And right on schedule the Nun shows up. In the middle of Praying, he comes out of hiding, in Robes and glowing with the mask of the God. " I am God, I've heard your Prayers and I will answer them but you must first give yourself to me!" The nun agrees but asked for anal sex so that she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and quickly goes to work on the Nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off the mask and shouts out "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!"
The Nun replies by whipping off her hood and shouting, Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!"
4-30-03 - THE NUN
A nun catches a ride in a taxi. As the taxi is going along, the nun notices that the cab driver keeps looking at her in the rearview mirror.
She says, "What is it my son?"
The cabbie replies, "Oh, I'm too embarrassed to say, sister."
She says, "Please, feel free to say anything, I've been a nun for many years and not too many things surprise me anymore."
The cabbie says, "Well, I've always had this fantasy of getting a blow job from a nun. I'm sorry sister, I feel so ashamed."
"That's OK my son, I know well the needs of the flesh. I will do it on two conditions: one, that you are Catholic and two, that you are not married."
The cabbie says, "Yes on both conditions!" So they drive around the corner to a spot where the nun takes care of the cabbie.
As they continue on their way, the nun notices the cabbie is crying.
She says, "What's wrong, my son?"
He says, "Sister, I lied. I'm Jewish and I'm married!"
She says, "That's okay. My name's Steve and I'm on my way to a costume party!"
4-29-03 - DISCOURAGED GAY MEN CHAIN LETTER
This letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged gay men.
Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then, bundle up your partner or boyfriend and send him to the man whose name appears at the top of this list, and add your name to the bottom.
When your turn comes, you will receive 16,255 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the time of this writing, a friend of mine has already received 184 men, four of whom were worth keeping.
Remember - this chain brings luck. Bob of Omaha's dog died, and the next day he received a bodybuilder.
You can be lucky too, so DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN! Seth of Boise broke the chain and got his own boyfriend back.
4-28-03 - PICK UP LINE
Question: What is the most popular pick up
line in a gay bar?
Answer: Can I push your stool in?
4-27-03 - MRS. PRUSSY
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.
She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
"That's right!" she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
4-26-03 - NO SANTA?
Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"
"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"
4-25-03 - MASTURBATE
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
4-24-03 - YOUNG ROOSTER
Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
On the first day the young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fella, time to retire."
The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens. Look at what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this, old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young to take over - so take a hike!"
The old rooster says, "Aw, come on, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. We won't bother you."
The young rooster yells, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"
The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop."
The young rooster smiles, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I will give you a head start."
The two roosters line up in back of the farm house. A hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
Farmer Brown was sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion, he looks up and sees the old rooster running away from the young rooster. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens!
Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust and says, "Darn it! That's the third gay rooster I bought this week."
4-23-03 - I WANT A BIKE
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
4-22-03 - ROOM 1221
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
4-21-03 - HUNGRY BUSH
One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.
Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
4-20-03 - SADDAM AND FRED
What do Saddam Hussein and Fred Flintstone have in common?
When they look out of their window, they both see rubble.
4-19-03 - PARATROOPER
A young army private is home on leave. He is talking to his dad about his experience at jump school while learning to be a paratrooper.
"Dad" he says, "on my first jump, I froze up at the door on the plane. A big black sergent standing behind me told me that if I didn''t jump, he was gonna cram about 12 inches of dick up my ass."
"Well did you jump?" asks his dad.
"Just a little at first" answered the boy.
4-18-03 - THE PRESIDENT'S PUZZLE
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
4-17-03 - GARDEN OF HEDEN
As he drove along the highway, a guy kept seeing billboards with beautiful, tanned people and the words: Visit the Garden of Hedon. His curiosity got the best of him and he turned off the road at the entrance to the place a few miles down the road. He went inside a building marked "Registration" and saw an attractive woman sitting at a desk.
"Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.
"It's quite simple," said the receptionist. "This is a nudist camp. We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."
"Cool," said the guy, "count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing: "Beware of Gays."
He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you've had two warnings!"
4-16-03 - 60th BIRTHDAY
A gay couple had been partnered for 25 years and was celebrating the 60th birthday of one of them. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The one who was giving the party said, "We've blown all our money on parties and fine dining and decorating this house, I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He had the tickets in his hand.
Next, it was the birthday boy's turn. He paused for a moment, and then with a sly grin said, "Well, I'd like a boyfriend 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
4-15-03 - MAD COWS
Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"
4-14-03 - FUNERAL PLANS
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
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